“Dikuna men, I’m ‘thoda’ shocked — how to tell you, my name has appearded in de Episteen Files!”
Illustration/Uday Mohite
Lobo Lobo, my cable TV technician came over looking very freaked out.
“Hello Lobo Lobo, how are you…you look a little shaken…what is the matter?”
Lobo Lobo was silent, moving around in a daze — finally he spoke.
“Dikuna men, I’m ‘thoda’ shocked — how to tell you, my name has appearded in de Episteen Files!”
“How is that possible… the Epstein Files – only the rich and famous have been mentioned; politicians, presidents, film stars, musicians, industrialists, billionaires — how are you alongside, Elon Musk, Bill Clinton, Donald Trump, Richard Branson, Bill Gates, and Deepak Chopra,” I asked, perplexed.
“Even I don’t know men,” he said.
“Was it a mistake…” I said.
“Of cuss men, it is a mistake, but still de blinking name is dere, and it’s all over de news on our side of Navi Mumbai… Peepuls are tinking ki I’m ‘loaded’, men; dat I’m like into dat hanky panky shady bizness; dat I have dis udder side. No, no, Dikuna men, some higgledy piggledy has happened. -See men, you know dat bloke, dat Half Bowl chappie, wasssisname, Bugs Bunny, noo no Bad Bunny. See, men, his real name is Benito Antonio Martinez Ocasia… so men my name is Thelonious Lancelot Alvarez Picanta Lobo… So dey have made up a pet name Lost Lobo… and I’ve appeared in de Epstein Files as Lost Lobo… Dey are saying, you know like Anil Ambani told Epstein, ‘I want a tall Swedish Blonde’, so am dere in Epstein files as Lost Lobo. It says I am wanting a ‘medium build blue-eyed Brasiliera’.”
“What’s a Brasiliera,” I asked.
“Girl from Brazil. Arrey boss, I am in de hot soup wid my Myrtle… Arey Dikuna men, I don’t know who dis Lost Lobo is men, I bleddy am just a cable technician from Virar... I have never been out of Mumbai men, dis Epsetein file has made me out to be one big-time person who is supposed to be a bit hit wid de ladies... a ladies’ man.”
“But who is Lost Lobo…?”
“Arrey men, he is one Jay Z meets Snoop Dogg meets Puff Daddy type fellow. He’s a rap artiste type – part musician-part socialite from Venezuela… He has all extravagant lifestyle, parties and all… When I asked dem to show a picture of dis Lost Lobos, dey showed it to me; it was same-to-same my face, but dere was me wid a nose ring, two earrings, and some hazaar neckchains with the initials LL.”
“That’s amazing Lobo Lobo… sorry Lost Lobo.”
“Also dere’s more, men. The file says dat I own two islands…Virgin Islands dat too… I have hardly stepped out of Virar; once a year we may go to our small family property in blinking Vasco in Goa. It’s one property I inherited from my turd cuzzin, Ronaldino Rodericks. I sit on de balcao and sip feni and eat some raw fried squids. Arry, dey have made me out to be one super-rich fellow who flies in special oysters from blinking France. Men, I only eat oysters, dat too Rawa-fried oysters from Fernandez Bar & Grill on Vagator Beach, men. Chhe, what a mess.”
Lobo Lobo took a pause.
“See, men, it has some recorded musical message of me singing to dis Epistin fallow, in one deadlo accent, like dat fully Hip Hop.”
“Hey yo man, Jeff,
I’m Lost Lobo,
I have a case of FoMo,
I have bank safes in Cayman,
yey man, I’m no layman, I’m no Hobo,
should be de dough men,
I’m wid my buddy Epstein,
I’m in his files, even tho I’m no Harry Styles”
“I tink sum of my dushmans have got togedder and done some AI where dey have created dis udder person called Lost Lobo wid my face but made up some udder avatar, a Deepfake — dey want to hurt my rep, men?”
“What does ‘rep’ mean?”
“Arrey Dikuna, men, you don’t know the hep lingo… ’rep’ is short form for reputation. My reputation is toh ruined in Virar. I tink, men, I need to go into hiding, men Dikuna.”
“In that case you will truly be Lost Lobo,” I said.
‘Very funny,” Lobo Lobo said and left.
Rahul daCunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, filmmaker and traveller. Reach him at rahul.dacunha@mid-day.com
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