Never, ever, say my name, please

I think youd better tell us who you are me lud starting with your surname said the perfectly round Welsh policemanHe knew hed caught a ripe one Indians are not usual in the village of Llandeilo Wales and one sitting in a parrotgreen parked van with stilts sticking out the back was possibly already a felon My friend a professional clown had disappeared to get directions and would not be back for some minutesSee I began in impeccable Indian Civil Service English hailing from the southern parts of India I dont actually have a surname I have two initials followed by my legal given name which happens to be Gopinath The two initials C and Y represent respectively myNo surname he crowed delighted A feller without a surname could definitely be up to no good I better see your passport sonAre you sure sir I asked concerned Youll probably be able to manage the C its only bisyllabic but the Y is a real killer I implore you sir for your own goodBut it was too late he had seized my passport and was peering at my familys bane my pride my legal monicker Chitoor Yegnanarayan Gopinath As I watched anxiously he ventured where few have dared to pronounce my middle name The blood drained from his ruddy Welsh cheeks the blimp tottered and fell in a faint by the road a hapless victim of south Indias complicated way of naming its ownYou should have listened to me I said mildly as we drove off I have no surnameThink of me as a Matunga man with two initials and a name Against all odds I remain to this day a true son of my soil The sonship is enshrined in the Y of my name which indicts my father the late Yegnanarayan as my true perpetrator The soil identified is one Chitoor Behold the torchbearer of the ancient coordinate system of nomenclatureGopinath son of Yegnanarayan from the village of ChitoorWhere is Chitoor Id comfortably believed that it is the town at 13deg14N and 79deg07E Andhra Pradesh 80 miles northwest of Madras The Encyclopaedia Britannica reveals that the bulk of Indian steatite originates in the nearby hills How I sometimes wondered could my origins be in Andhra when I knew no Telugu had been born in Kerala and spoke Tamil at homeOne morning I learnt why Unknown to the encyclopaedia there is another similarly named town Chittur in Keralas Palakkad district This it finally becomes clear is my Chittur Here by the Ponnani River located in the Palakkad gap of the Western Ghats on the shore across from the railroad junction of Olavkod is half my gene poolI tracked down K Y Padmanabhan distinguished Chittur resident and senior official in the Diamond Exporters Association An attempt was once made he told me to form a Chittur Residents Association but petered out thanks to everyones other preoccupationsPadmanabhans initials spell Kulapuzha Yezhuvattu Padmanabhan meaning Padmanabhan from that large 70strong family by the pond Here was an even more precise placement than mine based on the villages topographical featuresI happen to like C Y even though Ive never been to Chittur and my father was born in Srivaikuntam Even though people ask me to this day if I might be related to the cricketer C D Gopinath I say with patience No I am Chitoor Yegnanarayan Gopinath no relation to any sportsman or for that matter the Chinese author C Y LeeMy siblings beseeched me to be culturally irresponsible like them and rename myself Gopi Narayan Think of others who changed their names and grew rich they imploredThink of Walter Matschankavasky who became Walter MatthauOr the painter El Greco previously Kyriakos TheotokopoulosWould Samuel Goldwyn the movie mogul have been such a tycoon if he had stuck to his given name of GoldfishI have thunk and reconsidered My decision was and remains that I will continue alone with the haloed legions of Lalgudi Jayaraman Sarvepalli Radhakrishnan and their ilkMoreover the C and the Y will not be stripped of their ethnic baggage unlike in the case of R B Jones who for excellent reasons no doubt decided on his passport to be R only B only Jones He stumbles through life now as Ronly Bonly JonesC Y Gopinath is proud to pronounce that he prefers to remain unpronounceable unlike the rest of his pride and downfall His name will declare his genes and his means and correctly position him as a true son of the soil in an age where sons do not shine and the soil is greener on the other sideAnd as for Conly Yonly Gopinath Ill passHere viewed from there C Y Gopinath in Bangkok throws unique light and shadows on Mumbai the city that raised him You can reach him at cygopigmailcom Send your feedback to mailbagmiddaycomThe views expressed in this column are the individuals and dont represent those of the paperCatch up on all the latest Crime National International and Hatke news here Also download the new midday Android and iOS apps to get latest updates