Please don’t tell me to cheer up

In July 2016 I finished all my money Irsquove never been particularly good with savings a trait that has helped me less and less as I grew older When I went bust my balance was zero in every bank accountI was overdrawn overextended unemployed overduemdashand overwrought There was no work temporary or fulltime in the offing Meanwhile I had to pay rent feed a family of four pay tuition for two children at one of Bangkokrsquos most expensive schools while somehow fooling everyone into thinking my life was very coolDuring this trying period the most useless words I heard were ldquoEverything happens for a reasonrdquo The odd thing was how reassuring they sounded when I heard them Instantly my terrible poverty was not a random lightning bolt of fate It had a reason only I did not yet know what that reason was All was going according to plan Someonersquos planPositivity optimism and 247 happiness are all over the internet The worse the planet gets the more pandemics ravage us the more wars break out the more wild weather savages our lives the more children are trafficked the more women are raped the more the rich get richer the more those in power enrich themselvesmdashthe more we are exhorted to look upon the bright side find a silver lining be happyBut what possible reason could there be for the mindless gang rape of a young woman in a field in Manipur Or the killing of numberless schoolchildren by gunwielding students in the USA In a world riven with trauma dysfunction chronic pain racism sexism and pointless violence why should anyone pretend there is some benign plan or deeper wisdomAre we really better off telling ourselves that living hells happen for a reason Is it wrong to be down and blue sometimes feel grief and pain even lock the door sometimes and cry into a pillow Can forced positivity actually be bad for youItrsquos called toxic positivity and itrsquos part of todayrsquos internet psychobabble Growing psychological evidence says that dismissing difficult but real emotions can be harmful and damaging in the long runAlso readlsquoBoys in the spectator stands cheer them onrsquoAccording to The Psychology Group ldquoWith toxic positivity negative emotions are seen as inherently bad Instead positivity and happiness are compulsively pushed and authentic human emotional experiences are denied minimised or invalidatedrdquoDig deeper I did and connections began to emerge between positive thinking and the Law of Attraction the American solution rooted in magical thinking to becoming superrich superquick The immensely popular philosophy propounded by Eckhart Tolle says that if you strongly visualise a positive happy wealthy future for yourself it will manifest itself Your dreams will come trueSocieties groomed to seek wealth and pursue happiness loved it Thinking positive meant you could get rich without doing the heavy lifting Books promoted positive thinking and doctors prescribed it for boosting immunity curing incurable diseases making marriages work and having a better nightrsquos sleep The formula was simplemdashavoid negative thoughts and embrace positivityToday that has created delusional poisonous mindsets We live in a world that is oversensitive to anything negative Disagree with me and yoursquore negative hence toxic hence to be ghosted Tell me to try harder implying that Irsquom not trying hard enough and yoursquore toxic and negative Off with my headBut Bill Gates and Aziz Premji did not become billionaires by dreaming hard about it Believing rain clouds donrsquot exist wonrsquot stop the thunderstormI am reminded of the dwarves in the Gemini Circus where I worked for a spell as a clown when I was 21 Word leaked out that the new joker knew how to write and pretty soon a line had formed outside my tent of circus performers who wanted to dictate letters home to their loved ones Through their words I got heartbreaking glimpses into bleak circus lives where random senseless and chronic tragedy was the normBut no one in the circus ever reassured anyone that everything happened for a reason No one cheered up anyone else Ask a circus worker how life goes and theyrsquoll respond with a phrase borrowed from the perilous act of the flying trapeze If one of those highflyers should miss and fall they would not go straight down but be flung several hundred feet sideways Death was almost guaranteedProtection came in the form of a large net below With any luck it would catch the unlucky trapeze artist who missed their relay and plunged down The circus response to Howrsquos life captures the inevitability of loss sorrow misfortune and risk in life but also offers a mix of hope and gratitudeldquoItrsquos all right Irsquom still falling in the netrdquoThe next time that things go from bad or worse donrsquot put on a happy mask Stay in the despair and grief and dig dig dig for the lessons you can learn from itAbove all do try to keep falling in the netYou can reach C Y Gopinath at cygopigmailcomSend your feedback to mailbagmiddaycomThe views expressed in this column are the individualrsquos and donrsquot represent those of the paper