Rahul Da Cunha: Hypocritic oath

So lawyers graduate from legal institutions and doctors from medical colleges But politicians are a bit like guys who do Arts in college mdash complete lukhas ldquoSo chal politics karegardquo No training no technical expertiseAs a result India has always been stuck with the likes of TV actresses who become education ministers then handloom experts Cricketersturnedcommentatorsturnedcomedians turned yeshellipthe p wordIllustrationUday MohiteSo Ive started a series of Schools for Politicians SFPs also referred to as Ministers Mahavidhyalyas Attached to these schools will be laboratories liedetector rooms large mental boot camps and lobe testing equipment The latter will determine whether the wannabe politician is a complete psychopath or is he curablecapableMy aim dear reader isnt an Indian Guantanamo Bay But a specialised educational system to prepare politicians for public work not private gainThe entry test is obviously an IQ test Idiot QuotientFollowing this the candidate has to produce a letter stamped by both a local police chowky and a court of law stating that heshe has no criminal record in the contract after the candidate signs there is a clause whereby if heshe while still studying at an SFP commits a serious offence like say running over pavement dwellers in hisher BMW heshe will be rusticated immediatelyIn our SFPs we have a series of open sessions a sort of Alcoholics Anonymoustype situation Say a minister has scammed a city of Rs 4000 crore He feels intense guilt and needs to get this huge bhoj off his chest he can in an open session speak freely among his fellow scamsters mdash men and women who have embezzled extorted been involved in excise fraud broken election promises entered into dicey agreements involving tax payers money excess black money owners etc We have Speech Therapy sessions mdash where students are taught how to speak to the press mdash so that in public life when asked what heshe might feel about a horrendous gang rape in hisher ilaka no inane sound bites will be tolerated like this is a political conspiracy or young girls should not be out alone at nightMy SFPs also have open brainstorming sessions Say you are a sitting MP from a rainstarved area Like Pavlovs dog you have been taught a catch phrase like Save the farmer But now youre standing from the Mumbai NorthEast constituency where there are no open spaces let alone harvestable land no farmers or shortage of water We help you to open your mind to new relatable slogans Like say Plug the potholes etcThen weve built special ante rooms for sons daughters chachas bhathijas of politicians mdash a gentle recorded message will coo into their brain mdash ldquoOi Bachoohellip the power your motherfatherammadada hashellip doesnt transfer to you Remember thatrdquoSo Im sure youre wondering who the faculty are mdash I have a veritable whos who on my roster Barack Obama Teddy Roosevelt Kemal Ataturk Atal Behari Vajpayee Abraham Lincoln and Lee Quon Yu are guest speakersBill Clinton has agreed to come on board on the condition that his classes must only have womenFinally all graduates will receive a Bachelor of GST mdash GST stands for Generally Stable amp TrustworthyRahul da Cunha is an adman theatre directorplaywright photographer and traveller Reach him at rahuldacunha62gmailcom