<img title="Illustration/Uday Mohite" src="http://images.mid-day.com/images/images/2016/nov/20rupee-note.jpg" alt="illustration/uday mohite" /> Illustration/Uday Mohite
<img style="float: left;" src="http://images.mid-day.com/images/images/2015/dec/rahul-da-cunha.jpg" alt="" width="200" height="54" />So the Finance Minister called me.
&lsquo;Sup dude?&rdquo; he asked cheerily.
&ldquo;All good bro... I&rsquo;m getting my fingernails done.&rdquo;
&ldquo;Wow. You&rsquo;re quite the metrosexual, huh?&rdquo;
&ldquo;No, my banker is applying indelible ink on my right index nail.&rdquo;
&ldquo;Left nail for vote, right nail for note,&rdquo; he quipped.
&ldquo;Next, I will be standing in a queue at an ATNM machine.&rdquo;
&ldquo;ATNM machine?&rdquo; he asked, confused.
&ldquo;Sir, that&rsquo;s an &lsquo;Absolutely Totally No Money&rsquo; machine.&rdquo;
&ldquo;Aah yes, we have some of those. But why not go to an ANY machine till we get our INR cash act together?&rdquo;
&lsquo;What&rsquo;s an ANY machine?&rdquo;
&ldquo;&lsquo;All Notes in Yen&rsquo; machine. You see, this is a brainwave by our boss. Whatever country he visits, he organises for large amounts of that currency to be dispersed freely here. He went to Japan recently, na?&rdquo;
&ldquo;I see. So, if he&rsquo;s heading to Helsinki next, can we expect AMF machines &mdash; &lsquo;All Money Finnished&rsquo;? And if Holland, how about LGD (Let&rsquo;s Go Dutch) machines?&rdquo;
&ldquo;Okay, don&rsquo;t be so blinkered. We are planning to abolish black money from this country. Cross border terrorism will be countered.&rdquo;
&ldquo;Bro, I appreciate the larger vision of demonisation... sorry... dehumanization...uh, whatever the word is... but the execution is appalling. I mean, if the British Prime Minister had decided to discontinue the 100 and 50 pound sterling notes, with four hours notice, what do you think would have happened to her?&rdquo;
&ldquo;You are in a bad mood, I can see. I didn&rsquo;t reach out to you to hear you complain. &rdquo;
&ldquo;So what is the purpose of this call?&rdquo;
&ldquo;To ask what you thought of the design of our new R2,000 note?
&ldquo;Dude, everyone&rsquo;s taking selfies with it; as no one has change, it has no fiscal value. The colour is like a falooda... You really should sack your in-house RBI designer. Plus, the colour runs &mdash; this morning I wore a white shirt, put some notes in my pocket, after some sweating in the Mumbai sun, it&rsquo;s now a pink shirt!&rdquo;
&lsquo;Okay, smarty pants. I will tell you about the new notes we are introducing. You suggest appropriate designs. Cool?&rdquo;
&ldquo;Will you pay me for services rendered?&rdquo;
&ldquo;Yes, with old R500 and R1,000 notes, which you can exchange till December 30.&rdquo;
&ldquo;Done. Shoot.&rdquo;
&ldquo;First out of the mint is a special R1 note. Come on, design batao,&rdquo; the Finance Minister challenged.
&ldquo;I would name it &lsquo;Black Buck&rsquo;. The colour should obviously be variations of black and grey. On one side, there should be a deer. Next to it should be a muscle bound man with a six-pack. On the flip side, there should be the words &ndash; Being Human.&rdquo;
&lsquo;Impressive,&rdquo; he accepted.
The conversation went on as I explored designs for new notes of R10, R100, R500, R1,000 till we reached R5 lakh.
&ldquo;Sir, if you&rsquo;re planning a special R5 crore note, I have an idea.&rdquo;
&ldquo;R5 crore note?&rdquo;
&ldquo;Haan sir, you&rsquo;ll need one specially for Bollywood producers, if they cast a Pakistani actor, na?&rdquo;
&ldquo;What&rsquo;s the idea?&rdquo;
&ldquo;Military green camouflage as a colour, with the lettering, &lsquo;For Army Fund&rsquo;.&rdquo;
Rahul da Cunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at rahuldacunha62@gmail.com

Rahul da Cunha: Yeh queue ho raha hai?

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