Rosalyn D'Mello: The beauty of having a girl crush

When the girl crush is mutual as mine usually are you have the privilege of really basking in the otherrsquos light Representation picWhat is a girl crush the photoartistbookmaker Dayanita Singh asked me at a dinner last week at the Dhaka Art Summit She reminded me that I hadnt yet sent her the link reporting Bee Rowlatts just retort to Manu Joseph during the Jaipur Literature Festivals annual closing debate bizarrely titled Do Men Still Have it Too Easy presumably a provocation but as ludicrously rhetorical as a session at the 2017 Goa Arts and Literature Festivals finale session Can Patriarchy be BenignBee in response to Manus selfconsciously provocative opening argument allegedly said Manu sweetheart you dont have to be a feminist You just have to not be a dick Its additionally funny if you happen to know both parties which I do Dayanita didnt know who Bee was So I introduced her as the author of the amazing travel memoir In Search of Mary where she followed in the ingenious footsteps of Mary Wollstonecraft author of The Vindication of the Rights of Women toddler in tow Shes been my lit fest girl crush two years in a row I then confessed prompting Singh to ask me to define the category that Id otherwise understood to be selfexplanatoryThe day before in fact Reetu Sattar a Bangladeshi artist Id met had looked into my eyes and said If I knew I were bi and left it at that in other words suggesting that I was her potential girl crush The feeling was mutual Id witnessed Sattar orchestrating about 30 musicians whod been seated on platforms across large steel scaffolding at the entrance to the Dhaka Art Summit They each had an antique harmonium upon which they collectively performed a piece she called Harano Sur Lost Tune an atonal dystopian nonmelodious rant intuiting all that has been and will be lost as her country navigates the rising Islamification of their otherwise pluralistic cultural traditions Sattars piece had been commissioned by the Samdani Art Foundation and the Liverpool Biennial I watched her slink back into her chair after having given the musicians instructions over the microphone She was still in command though I could see the musicians mostly men but at least five among them women look to her for their cuesShe communicated through body language her feet tapping to keep time her face swaying her eyes closed when she was content with the nonharmony her hands occasionally gesturing at the shehnai players when she wanted them to pause It was rather impossible not to cast ones gaze indirectly at herWhen we met in the evening at the dinner at the Pan Pacific Sonargaon for the Samdani Art Awards Ceremony she was a nominee she told me shed noticed me too that morning Id been wearing my imperial green silkscreen printed kimonolike kurta with a pair of jeans designed by a friend Arunima Majhi She had followed my every movement as I had followed hers We were crushing on each otherI believe there is a way in which you can covet another womans femininity assuming that the term itself articulates a wide spectrum of attributes and isnt necessarily confined to that which we traditionally assume to be manifestations of a straitjacketed womanliness Having a girl crush is one way of expressing and acknowledging your profound admiration for another womans state of being her selfconfidence or her vulnerability evenIt isnt restricted to sexual appreciation but is more all encompassing and in fact because it isnt necessarily sexual it is not burdened by the harrowing need for reciprocity This is not to deny that when the girl crush is mutual as mine usually are you have the privilege of really basking in the others light momentarily partaking in the effusiveness of her personality and thus harbouring a feeling of a soul communion It is purer even than love because sometimes you are able to see her the object of your girl crush gaze in a way she cannot see herself You reflect back at her that which she secretly is but has yet to learn Its a glorious thing because it usually lays the groundwork for every profound female friendshipIm very different with boy crushes If I decide a man is worthy enough to be crushed on I proceed to completely limit my interaction with him Because he inevitably invariably will do or say something or act in a way that reveals his latent untreated misogynyAlso in order for me to even like a man I have to build him up with architectural precision Modestly though no tall skyscrapers no palatial expanses A little hut with a hearth is enough so when reality strikes Im not left with too much debris Its a strenuous form of mental exercise that burns zero caloriesGirl crushes on the other hand empower me to rescope the boundaries of my own insecurities They are sanctuaries offering me the safe space I need to be a truer unabridged version of myself as well as the adventurous thrill of excavating parts of me I hadnt previously imaginedDeliberating on the life and times of Everywoman Rosalyn DMello is a reputable art critic and the author of A Handbook For My Lover She tweets RosaParx Send your feedback to mailbagmiddaycomCatch up on all the latest Mumbai news current affairs from Mumbai local news crime news and breaking headlines hereDownload the new midday Android and iOS apps to get updates on all the latest and trending stories on the go