Saying goodbye to home

As excited as I was to finally kickoff the most urgent leg of my fieldwork within South Asia through my visit to Bangladesh I had to suppress the profound sadness I was feeling about leaving DelhiIve been trying hard to allow myself to feel my emotions fully but I was aware that in this instance it would be crippling since the melancholia I was feeling was tinged with the knowledge of impending grief Were the circumstances different I wouldnt have felt so gutted about not being around to watch how Delhis silk cotton trees that have been lying for months in a state of leaffull slumber burst suddenly into redhued flames their blossoming signalling the heralding of springI wouldnt have felt so despondent about not being in my room to catch the light filtering through every afternoon in February However I am now wrestling with the certainty that I might have to give up my apartment in Delhi come May My lease is up for renewal in March and since I must also return to Italy to honour the conditions of my stay permit and since my continuing research ensures an increasingly low monthly income I know I cannot afford to maintain the apartmentIt is needy and demands tenderness and attention With each prolonged absence its tantrums become more pronounced mdash walls with seepage blocked pipes tanks that need cleaning Something is always breaking down and Ive no longer the headspace to continue to maintain its sanityIts an emotional loss for me considering this apartment was one I rented singularly and has been a home not just for me but for many of my dearest friends who sought shelter within its walls when the urgency arose Signing the lease marked a moment of great transition for me I moved in around midSeptember in 2012 from Khirki with just a simple bed a table a work station desk clothes and some utensils and cutleryIt was a 1500 square feet apartment and I began to inhabit my solitude within its expanse Each item of furniture it contains at present was sourced from the nearby Amar Colony secondhand market whenever I found I had a little bit of money Its not solidly put together and it has seen many avatars mdash the most recent came to be after it had been painted back in 2017Im so unsure about what Ill do with all my things In all likelihood I will send them to our house in Goa The wise thing to do would be to sell my belongings but they give me too much joy because they feel sometimes like relics I can tell you where when and why I picked up almost every object youd come across How I felt even when I was purchasing them Theres a profound sense of attachment Theyre not just things not just objects Theyre my things my objects Something of me is irrevocably a part of their being They and I live in the awareness of having cohabited a space Im not saying they are sentient but their presence mattered to my existence and influenced how I framed my every dayMore significantly giving up this apartment means I will be kitchenless Yes my husbands familys home has a kitchen as does my parents house in Mumbai and Goa But none of them are my kitchens I realised I derive some feeling of exile from not having access to a space that is defined by my selfhood that is the consequence of my likes and dislikes my wild preferences my habits my culinary proclivitiesWhen my landlady was having the apartment repainted in 2017 I had asked her to consider painting the kitchen walls in a deep maroon She agreed I got a carpenter to install shelves on the wall so I could place all my ingredients in a manner that was more easily accessible I achieved transparencyEverything in the kitchen was placed on display so it was easier to make decisions about what to cook I saw this too as an extension of how I was feeling how I wanted to live my life more honestly and transparently without the need to hide anything or feel shame about details I was apprehensive about confrontingIn this sense my life after May will feel invariably uprooted While this ought to provoke anxiety and despair it does the opposite In fact it outlines a clear path for what I want my future to involve I will be impelled to spend the next few years finding ways to build my own kitchen This doesnt necessarily imply ownership I am meant to belong to a kitchen I just have to find the right oneDeliberating on the life and times of Everywoman Rosalyn DMello is a reputable art critic and the author of A Handbook For My Lover She tweets RosaParx Send your feedback to mailbagmiddaycomThe views expressed in this column are the individuals and dont represent those of the paperCatch up on all the latest Crime National International and Hatke news here Also download the new midday Android and iOS apps to get latest updates