The confines of a 'bikini body'

Two or three years ago tired of wearing a secondhand handmedown onepiece swimsuit I went to a store on Linking Road to shop for a bikini I found a hot pink one that contrasted radiantly against my skinFrankly I was tired of that weigheddown feeling my belly had to put up with each time I got out of the sea or a pool At the time I had been trying to unlearn my fear of water so would go swimming more often I didnt have a bikini body but I decided to prioritise my personal comfort over my fear of feeling shamedI began to embrace my experience of my body underwater clothed in this hot pink twopiece If I was able to look at flabby bodies that were anything but sizezero and find in them so much beauty then surely I could see the same in my own nonideal reflectionSince then I had been trying to destroy this notion I had internalised of what constitutes this ideal The magazine industry and the media overcomplicated what should have been a nonissue with their annual bodyshaming summer issues evangelising the cause of bikini bodies prescribing the best diets to achieve the perfect figure or exercises aimed at customising ones flesh to make it more desirable Within these pages were replicated images of ideal bodies that were hairlessmanicured flatbellied with cleavage designed to attract the male gaze It seemed as if the only point of wearing a swimsuit was to make male heads turn as if you werent entitled to sport one until and unless you had successfully arrived at such a state of body For the longest time I associated this article of clothing with shameWearing the hot pink twopiece suit started to feel liberating Not only was it comfortable but I felt light underwater I liked not having too much sand to rinse off later But there were many moments when Id be in the water on a beach in Goa the one closest to our home and Id marvel at young girls and women who would go into the sea fully clothed or with cotton or Denim shorts or women who wouldnt even go in but would park themselves at the edge hugging the shoreline and allowing only their feet to get wetId mourn for how much pleasure we as patriarchally conditioned women were capable of denying ourselves either out of fear of being shamed or because we had internalised the bodyshame inherent to our societies It always angered me to see men shamelessly frolicking in their underwear riding the waves while women stayed at a safe distance and stared either admonishingly or wistfully at people like me or at foreign bikiniclad women who dared to wear a practical outfit theyd been told was against Indian culture that the burden of upholding this oppressive culture still fell upon womenYesterday I wore the same twopiece pink suit to the public swimming pool in Tramin mdash utterly gorgeous with a view framed by the Alps and with sections of grassy lawns for visitors to sunbathe upon We paid the entrance fee and found ourselves a spot under the shade of a tree It was a marvellous day sunny yet lightly windy and funnily the water in the pool was cold so much so that I couldnt be inside it for longer than a few minutes but what I discovered was this most pleasurable feeling of going for a dip then lying on the stone slab by the pool with my face to the sky allowing the sunlight to penetrate my skinI began feasting on the light When I was by the pool I surveyed all the different kinds of bodies that surrounded mine I enjoyed how normal it was to be in a bathing suit and I revelled in having the space to simply be without the angst that accompanies shameThough I had books to read each time we returned to our grassy nook Id lie flat on my red towel positioning it such that I could bask in the glow My legs felt warm then my back then Id flip over so my face and my belly could be included in the experience I was selfdelightingThere were moments when I curved my body as if I was praying and Id see a sliver of light between my thighs It was not the same body that had been in the fitting room when I bought this twopiece My commitment to daily exercise and my enjoyment of it meant that the bikini was now illfitting lose around my chest and my waist This was possibly my last time wearing it in fact and I found myself trying to take a selfie because I felt like for the first time in 35 years I was encountering the particularity of my own beautyDeliberating on the life and times of Everywoman Rosalyn DMello is a reputable art critic and the author of A Handbook For My Lover She tweets RosaParxSend your feedback tomailbagmiddaycomThe views expressed in this column are the individuals and dont represent those of the paperCatch up on all the latest Mumbai news crime news current affairs and a complete guide from food to things to do and events across Mumbai Also download the new midday Android and iOS apps to get latest updates MidDay is now on Telegram Click here to join our channel middayinfomedialtd and stay updated with the latest news