The human rights of dumping

It was a preChristmas party and someone was asking me why I was so obsessed with toilets I patiently explained that no less a personage than Bill Gates considered it important to research and understand why so many Indians preferred the fields to closed toiletsWhy dont you write about something more important asked my interlocutor Such as human rights I considered this for a long moment Do you think humans have a right to do it in the fields I asked him finally Why dont you ask some villagers what they think he dared me So I didI met my first problem right here no one in the Mumbai suburb of Swachhpura could understand why we needed to discuss something that had been an accepted tradition since the dawn of peristalsis No one disputed that on Indian streets cows and bulls dropped steaming patties where they wished or that birds did it on the sculpted heads of statesmen and visionariesBut humans being at the top of the food chain should be able to excrete at will where they wished This was the considered opinion of the council elders But is openair excretion a human right I askedIts a human need as well as a right and no one can take it away the village elder replied Though God knows wave after wave of colonisers have tried their best to suppress and deny human excretory rights Our diets used to be rich in fruits nuts quickcooked vegetables unmilled cereals and fibres Then along came McDonalds KFC Pizza Hut and their ilk with their fizzy zerocalorie drinks and burgers high in proteins and preservatives and no roughage Now our children dont go in the morningYoure telling me that suppressing human excretory rights has been an international agenda through history Exactly he said admiringly You are definitely the sharpest knife in the drawerTheres more he continued Multinationals offer top dollar for our land and rivers to build their factories Were poor so we take the offer Now the field I once used to fertilise with my exertions every morning belongs to a corporate giant who makes breakfast cereal we dont even likeI thought this was an opportune moment to introduce the toilet theme Supposing we constructed a toilet in each village so that every villager could use one Imagine a closed room completely private with an easytoclean ceramic bowl a tap with running water special supersoft doubleply tissues which we call toilet paper and a small fee perhaps a rupee to hire an attendant to keep it clean The assembly was silent chewing over this new concept You mean well now pay to do something that we could once do where we wishedAnother calculated A rupee a day is 30 rupees a month I have seven in my family so were looking at about 200 rupees a month And we usually dont have any money in the last week Does this mean wed have to just not go until the next salary arrivedTheres that old suppression of minority rights trick again shouted an angry villager Theyre trying to create a problem for us by taking a right away then trying to get us all hot and bothered about our rights being violated and then suggesting a solution that will only make us poorer and more constipatedNot necessarily I said What if the first 25 families that endorse walled public toilets were offered a free lifetime supply of Isabgol Its an outstanding laxativeThere was silence Also free education up to end of school for the first three children I added More silence And furlined seats I threw in desperatelySome villagers began to nod Do we have a right to these free addons Isabgol school furlined seatsI smiled Breakthrough You do I cried You also have a natural right to an Income Generating Activity such as packaging locally harvested fleaseed husks that will generate enough income to pay for the free addons We pay for free addons frowned a villagerYou can call them whatever you like I said triumphantly Bottom line you have a right to a toilet You have a right to a furlined toilet You have a right to have a smooth unfettered bowel movement each morning You have a right to a laxative You have a right to childfriendly environment and free primary education You have a right to pay for all of the above Isnt science wonderfulI beg to differ about the paying began one old man I held up a finger I regret that is the only thing you dont at this moment have a right to do I saidHere viewed from there C Y Gopinath in Bangkok throws unique light and shadows on Mumbai the city that raised him You can reach him at cygopigmailcom Send your feedback to mailbagmiddaycomCatch up on all the latest Mumbai news crime news current affairs and also a complete guide on Mumbai from food to things to do and events across the city here Also download the new midday Android and iOS apps to get latest updates