The Oprahnos

India has long been a favourite destination for retired foreigners who wish to explore its many mysteries but usually end up exploring its notsomany toilets So it should come as no surprise that Oprah Winfrey visited us recently For those of you who live under a rock or have Tata Sky Oprah is a worldfamous chatshow host businesswoman philanthropist and woman of substance And no thatrsquos not a fat joke Okay so it is nowThe resultant travelogue that aired on TV was fun but to be honest I saw some more entertaining things that day such as the phonebook or the Meru Cab onhold music or ldquoUnderstanding Avagadrorsquos Constant A Physics Class in Twelve Parts for CBSErdquo Another thing that was way more entertaining than the episode itself was the outrage that followed it India was pissed off ldquoShallow stereotypesrdquo we cried furious ldquoMore patronising American condescensionrdquo we screamed outraged ldquoWHY ARE THEY USING BIG WORDS LIKE lsquocondescensionrsquordquo Rahul Gandhi asked confusedExploring Mumbai Shantaram writer Gregory David Roberts guides Oprah Winfrey through the streets of Colaba Winfrey came to the city in January this year to research for her new show Oprahrsquos Next Chapter India which was recently aired on televisionu00a0So Oprah Winfrey saw a slum the Taj Mahal Amitabh Bachchan and AR Rahman who she kept calling ldquoRamenrdquo like the noodles And this infuriated us because apparently it is indicative of ignorance and shows us in a poor light Thatrsquos right Damn you woman What gives you the right to storm into my country and film slums And Amitabh Bachchan And the Taj Mahal Who do you think you are Danny Boyle Did you not read the visa clause that says that you may only exploit our stereotypes if you can promise us a tenuous connection to the Oscars and the most overrated soundtrack in cinematic historyBut I too am outraged Outraged at the fact that she called Abhishek and Aishwarya Indiarsquos Brad and Angelina Irsquom pretty certain Brad and Angie can act What Irsquom really outraged at though is the fact that giving a crap about what Oprah Winfrey says is somehow a priority for us This is a woman who takes relationship advice from Doctor Phil a guy who looks like but has less medical credentials than Doctor Dang A guy who showed up with a camera crew at the hospital Britney Spears was in after a failed suicide attempt A guy who doesnrsquot even know that unless yoursquore a rapper or a stripper you need a last name for a plausible pretense at professionalism Worse still she takes spiritual advice from Deepak Chopra who says things like ldquoI would like a quantum entanglement of charred carbohydrate particles of existential tomfoolery with a smear of processed bovine essence soaked in tears of metaphysical tormentrdquo every time he orders toastWhat were you expecting from someone whose idea of subtle is handing out cars to everybody who came to her show A nuanced take on Indiarsquos geopolitical significance And more importantly in an era where Time magazine has publicly labeled our PM and by extension in case you hadnrsquot noticed our country as ldquoThe Underachieverrdquo in a country where a group of men molested a woman on camera in a day where wersquore finding exOlympians doing menial labour explain to me how and why you have the time or the energy to give a flying fk about what Oprah Winfrey thinks of DharaviHow about instead we just shut up smile and send her a thankyou note for lulling foreigners with gentle images of slumbonhomie instead of shocking them with communal violence in Assam How about a relieved wink instead for the soothing sight of a rich Marwadi matriarch and her docile daughterinlaw in place of questions about why India has the lowest ranking in womenrsquos safety among all G20 nations How about a box of chocolates for the great PR lie she told on our behalf The one that suggests wersquore still an odd kitschy curiosity instead of showing people things thatrsquoll have them scrambling to drop a dome over our heads to seal us offLuckily I have a fivestep program to help you deal with your anger1 Think about how this AfricanAmerican woman has treated your India2 Get really angry3 Go to Colaba4 Observe how your India treats anything African5 Shut up go home get over yourselfRohan Joshi is a writer and standup comedian who likes reading films and people who do not use the SMS lingo You can also contact him on wwwfacebookcomtherohanjoshiu00a0