When we come into our own

I cant remember the first time I heard the word intellectual It might have been when I was an undergraduate at St Xaviers in Mumbai possibly because that was where the boundaries of my subjective universe expandedWe had a magical library and to enter it you had to climb what came to be known as the Harry Potter staircase Though I had yet to evolve my own individuality one thing I knew for certain about my personality I was adamantly nonconformist in my views in my habits in what I wore and how I spokeI may not have been the first in my family to go to college but I was definitely among the first to pursue and invest in an education in the humanities I felt lucky to have had brilliant professors who alerted me to the significance of morality and ethics within discourse I still have the notes I had made during Professor Eddies lectures He had I find in retrospect spoken about intersectionality long before I encountered the term as a feminist Apart from my teachers it was also my mother who impressed upon me the importance of kindness through touch through humilityStill surrounded as I was by many classmates who were very obviously more privileged than me had left me with a malnourished selfesteem I had wellmeaning friends who delighted in teasing me for being a dumb blonde because I had coloured my hair that shade egged on by my sisterinlaw and obviously it made me stand out because of my complexionI was so naive then I didnt even realise I was being shamed on a daily basis I learned quickly enough that I didnt have the IQ my friends did and I didnt really belong to any circle I was part of I felt like an outsider and so internalised that I was not entitled to be part of anything I even made peace with the fact that I was not smart I went along with itBecause I already had selfesteem issues because of incessant discrimination from childhood on account of my dark complexion and the shame of not being beautiful I was content just to know people who considered me as a friend who didnt mind associating with me in public It was only in private contexts I felt like I was allowed to shineIt was around this time when I was 16 or 17 that I had met Mona There was no circumstantial basis for our friendship We were not part of the same circles we didnt sit together in the classroom I dont know how we found each other but we spent hours talking to each other and nourishing each others intellects She never made me feel small nor did she shame me for my inability to grasp an idea she made me feel like we were cojourneying into a world of ideas It was exhilarating The only other person who nurtured that side of me was ParthoI still struggle with seeing myself as an intellectual even though for political reasons I know its important for us to claim this term so that no one else has monopoly over it All my selfeducation particularly through feminism has helped me understand more empathically how structures of inclusion and exclusion work and how caste class and gender privilege operateFive years after having written my first book I am able to see even more clearly how all the people I once held on a pedestal have fallen in my estimation of them I see how I had been programmed to operate from a space of awe to feel humbled by anyone who had the privilege of being articulate and authoritative I see how I even gave them power through my obeisanceNow that I have come into my own I obviously wish I had arrived here sooner Some weeks ago Mona and I were talking about where we could have been in our careers if wed had the head start that entitled men have historically enjoyed But then we also understand that many of the pit stops we had to make along the way invariably helped us transform into people capable of greater empathy and kindness than the socalled intellectuals we held in aweI think of the author of the book series that lent the library staircase its name and instead of feeling enraged I feel really sad when I read her transphobic comments Another person whom I first read when he was a columnist at the magazine that fired me for not being a good enough journalist wrote a transphobic column recently for the weekend edition of a newspaper that has otherwise championed queer rights It enraged meBut then it occurred to me that the future doesnt belong to people like them It belongs to outcasts like me who have fought and are fighting to make space not just for us to exert agency but to help empower the historically marginalised We mustnt waste our rage trying to talk truth to toxicityWe have a whole world to build one that is more equitable and that dismantles existing power hierarchies one that dares to be inclusive one where intellect is equated with kindness respect and the capacity for forgiveness virtues once ridiculed as feminineDeliberating on the life and times of Everywoman Rosalyn DMello is a reputable art critic and the author of A Handbook For My Lover She tweets RosaParxSend your feedback tomailbagmiddaycomThe 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