Women's most important equation

My partner and I were horrified to watch the trailer of the trending Netflix series Indian Matchmaking We thought wed sense the shows vibe and then decide if we wanted to invest our energy in hatewatching it He was sure he couldnt It was triggering for him to participate in viewing people being rated on purely superficial criteria I was a little unsureThe literature student in me that was trained to read popular culture was intrigued by this latest trash TV offering From the trailer it seemed there was much to unpack But then I argued would the show tell me anything I didnt already know about the Indian arrangedmarriage marketEven as a kid I had already learned from cursory glimpses of matrimonial classifieds that I was no ones notion of an eligible bride Not being fairskinned immediately disqualified me from being considered a worthy candidate I was not unhappy about being excluded from this patriarchal exercise But I wouldnt say that I didnt internalise that the onus in any potential partnership would be on me to fit into some idealised notion of a partnerPart of my conditioning to perform as a woman was in my being successfully programmed to be flexible patient and deceptive Married women were always telling me how it was imperative that you learn how to trick men into believing they are smarter I learned that one of the most significant wifely duties involved zealously upholding the myth of masculinity by constantly pandering to the fragility of the entitled male egoIn other words I learned that it was wisest not to inculcate too much of a sense of self I learned that in any relationship dynamic men were more entitled to power because they could leave you at will and if you were to meet that fate you would be the one blamed for the failure You didnt love him enough you didnt nurture him enough you didnt give in you didnt make him feel man enoughI learned that one had to do whatever was in ones power to hold on to someone that longevity in a relationship was a matter of pride It signified ones ability to be yielding or compassionateIn my late 20s while I was content to participate in the happiness of my friends who had decided to bite the bullet and get hitched I wouldnt say that I felt much envyIn being doggedly single and unmarried well into my early 30s I was sure I was participating in the same rebellion as many of my similarly aged peers We were refusing to compromise We were consciously refraining from falling prey to the lie we had been historically sold that we are somehow incomplete in our committed singularityI was privileged to have parents who never forced me into an arranged situation even if they did exert soft pressure on me to relinquish my independence Most cajoling by relatives too assumed the nature of threats Who would care for you when youre old As if finding a partner and procreating was meant as insurance against lonelinessI do not understand that insidious joyless thing called misogyny wrote Heacutelegravene Cixous in her essay Unmasked Something changed in me when I began to decipher with greater clarity the nuanced connection between the two words to the point where an equation was formed Misogyny JoylessnessWhen once I spoke to a therapist friend about circumstances in a past longterm relationship that were unsettling I happened to say something like If I could somehow contain my own desire to be desired if I could be more nunlike less wanting I might see that I am in a viable relationship That would be the most misogynist thing you could possibly do she responded Everything changed that afternoon when I truly listened to what she had to tell me about how women even feminists are often unconscious about our internalised misogyny the source of our joylessnessBecause as women we were taught to be resilient we learned to accommodate emotional trauma because as children we conflated love and abuse because the people who were most violent with us were people who allegedly loved us it didnt occur to many of us that love can be an empowering life force Because we were too busy ing flexible to really inculcate a sense of self we never learned to assert our own boundaries and in doing so dictate the terms of our engagements with the worldIf instead there was a show that unambiguously championed Indian womens right to selfdetermination by clearly and concisely advocating how not to get trapped in false dichotomies of marriage versus career motherhood versus singlehood or that didnt valorise the category of wife or motherinlaw in relation to power I would be the first to watch it Until then Ive decided Ill give Indian Matchmaking a miss and return to the powerful storytelling of BroadchurchDeliberating on the life and times of Everywoman Rosalyn DrsquoMello is a reputable art critic and the author of A Handbook For My Lover She tweets RosaParxSend your feedback tomailbagmiddaycomThe views expressed in this column are the individualrsquos and donrsquot represent those of the paperCatch 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