‘I have to undermine my identity to protect others’

When Ari theythem was 16 years old they came out to their friends as nonbinary Their circle was accepting ldquoI come from a small town so of course first I had to explain what being nonbinary meant But once they got it my friends mdash I had three or four close friends mdash were very acceptingrdquo they recallWhen they came to college Ari started exploring dating ldquoI am pansexualrdquo they tell us ldquoI started dating much later than my peers My first relationship was at 19rdquoldquoThe previous men I dated knew that I am nonbinary and they were accepting of that But I could tell that they still perceived me as a woman It was an unsaid thing but I could just tell For example they would always club me with other women or introduce me with sheher pronounsrdquo they sayAri 21 still gets misgendered by even the closest of friendsAri is one of the many nonbinary people who are misgendered misunderstood and hurt when dating In a city like Mumbai with a vibrant LGBTQIA community and culture many nonbinary people tell us that they still struggle to find acceptance in the most intimate of places their romantic partnersldquoSometimes my previous boyfriends would sometimes start questioning their sexuality They would ask me Does dating you mean I am not straight Their sexuality becomes the priority and not my nonbinary identity I am expected to undermine my identity because itrsquos an lsquoinconveniencersquordquo Ari saysAri now 21 is currently dating a very supportive partner ldquoIn my previous relationships I had to put up with misgendering a lot But my current boyfriend is much more understanding of my identity Even when I go through dysphoria itrsquos never a point of contention for us Wersquore getting better at communicating and that keeps me very securerdquo they sayFor Siaan 25 dating apps come with the anxiety of explaining your identity to strangersWhen Ari came to Mumbai their circle grew from a relatively smaller one in their hometown ldquoI had to explain my identity to many more people now To this day some of my closest friends misgender merdquo they say ldquoIrsquom not proud of this but Irsquove had to learn to be okay with it A friend of mine once told me that he was scared to come talk to me because he thought he might misgender me They say college is the best time of your life Is it better to be lonely or choose your identity I didnrsquot know how to answer that question Itrsquos not always black and whiterdquoOne time Ari was at a party with their thenboyfriend ldquoHe introduced me to his friends as a woman repeatedly I just had a complete breakdown then and I was alone I couldnrsquot make anyone there understand why it bothered me so muchrdquo they sayMany nonbinary get misgendered when theyrsquore dating PICISTOCKldquoWith a couple of boyfriends I had to explain to them that if they date me theyrsquore not straight Because I am not a womanrdquo says 21yearold Dan theythem Once theyrsquod just started going out with a man and were struggling to find the right time to come out ldquoI know that I shouldrsquove been honest upfront But I knew his friends were transphobic One day he asked merdquo What does it mean that my Instagram bio has lsquotheythemrsquo next to my name I told him sorry that I didnrsquot bring it up earlier but Irsquom nonbinary He just started yelling at me saying that I had lsquoscammedrsquo himrdquo they recallldquoNow I know better I would never go out with someone who has transphobic friends You have to learn these things as you gordquo Dan notesBeing with men especially those who have not been with nongender conforming persons earlier is hard ldquoWhenever I would date I used to think that Irsquom not lsquononbinary enoughrsquo Irsquom very femmepresenting Initially I used to have a lot of dysphoria related to that I would think maybe I should start using binders or cut my hair offldquoBut I think as I grew up it just stopped bothering me as much I am a person and I identify as nonbinary If someone else has a problem with it then itrsquos not my problem That is what I started believing and life completely changed after thatrdquo they sayDating apps are another horror story though ldquoWhen I was using them people kept asking me What genitalia do you haverdquo they tell us ldquoEven though Irsquod clearly mentioned that I am nonbinary and dating apps let you choose what gender identities are your preference Why are you here thenrdquoSiaan hethey moved to Mumbai six years ago from a small town He says that he hates meeting people on dating apps ldquoWhen yoursquore trans therersquos so much social anxiety in meeting someone new I would rather just not use dating apps I end up meeting people naturally and then they become a part of my liferdquo they say Siaanrsquos not much for casual dating ldquoItrsquos not like I wouldnrsquot want tordquo he says ldquoI donrsquot do it because it just gives me so much anxiety I have to constantly explain that I am trans and nonbinaryrdquoldquoI am transitioning right now and I just had my top surgery Irsquom also on hormones and it changes the way your relationship with your sensuality I am pansexual and my attraction towards men feels a little higher right now But often cis men do not see other transmasculine identities as men So itrsquos a very tricky zone where I do not know how to approach other gay men And I end up getting misgendered most of the timerdquo he saysFor Siaan too passing is a complicated subject ldquoI am nonbinary and I donrsquot want to pass Even one day if I start passing I know I will not look like a typical dude because I want my expression to be fluidrdquoSiaan is a multidisciplinary artiste and a drag king They find that there are very few people looking to date identities other than the binary ldquoAnd then you end up chasing unavailable peoplerdquo they say ldquoDating is such an intimate experience For me itrsquos also genderaffirming care Being called someonersquos lsquoboyfriendrsquo gives me so much validationrdquoWhen he was considering start ing hormone therapy Siaanrsquos lover didnrsquot react too positively to it ldquoI was so thrown off by it I felt so dismissed Why is my genderaffirming care being subjected to this kind of opinion So when the right person can become an amazing support system the wrong person can really destroy a lotrdquoOn their Instagram page where they have close to 30000 followers ldquoa lot of people DM me saying Irsquod love to be pegged by yourdquo ldquoEven though I put myself out there how can you just assume my sexual preferencesrdquo Another issue is fetishisation ldquoI know that men still see me as a woman and itrsquos a kind of fetish for them That is a very dysphoric experience for merdquo he addsAmid all this Siaan has found comfort in friends ldquoI feel my friends are my lovers and they have been way healthier lovers to me than romantic relationshipsrdquo he says ldquoIrsquom also a big believer in seeking support from artrdquoHersquos grateful to be in Mumbai ldquoThe community is like any other one It isnrsquot perfect Wersquore messy We make mistakes and disappoint people sometimes But I would say that from time to time you end up being around people who will make you feel supported I think thatrsquos something the city at least allows you to take up spacerdquoWhat does being nonbinary meanNonbinary describes a person whose gender identity does not fit strictly into the traditional categories of solely male or solely female A nonbinary individual might feel like a mix of both genders somewhere between them or entirely without gender