When your mother is a feminist

As a mother of a threeyearold girl Shilpa Phadke assistant professor at Tata Institute of Social Sciences TISS obviously deals with hectic dropoffs to playschool and her daughterrsquos vehement defence of her favourite cartoon show of dubious merit according to Phadkeu00a0Her larger concerns however are more complex and contradictory how does a feminist mother raise a daughter in postglobalisation Indiau00a0 For her project on feminist mothering Shilpa Phadke spoke to 11 feminist mothers who have multiple concerns about the mixed signals their daughters receive on morality sexuality and risk in postglobalisation India It was this question which led her to publish the first of a series of essays on feminist mothering last month Feminist Mothering Some Reflections On Sexuality and Risk from Urban India The essay discusses issues around womenrsquos clothing food and drink habits transportation and sex lives and tries to understand how feminist mothers walk through this labyrinth while raising daughters Phadke says her threeyearold daughter has been told that she has the choice to refuse touchu00a0 Interestingly it all started when Phadke began observing girlsrsquo Tshirts with messages splashed across the front TEASE said one Another one EYE CANDY ldquoThese are available for relatively younger girls too One of my friends told me she saw a Tshirt with lsquoPorn Starrsquo written on it It piqued me and I began thinking of the issues a feminist must address as she raises a daughter amid these social messagesrdquo says Phadke who coauthored the book Why Loiter Women and Risk On Mumbai Streets in 2011 Phadke adds that as a gender studies professor she has always been interested in stories of how people become feminists and why some women reject the label ldquoI began contemplating issues around motherhood when I found myself struggling when it came to using the term lsquogood girlrsquo to express appreciation to my daughter It is a loaded word and as feminists we reject the expectation that girls should be lsquogoodrsquo which later in life is synonymous with an impeccable lsquoreputationrsquo she must maintain at all costrdquo explains Phadke The last two decades according to her essay have thrown up numerous questions on womenrsquos morality ldquoHow does then a mother impose constraints when it comes to sexuality and risk without taking away her daughterrsquos right to make choicesrdquo asks Phadke Her first essay she says tries to answer these questions by speaking to women who find themselves in the position she is in Phadke interviewed 11 women academicians journalists activists a writer and one who conducts childrenrsquos workshops currently living in Mumbai New Delhi and Hyderabad The interviewees have daughters aged between two and 24 years Most mothers naturally wonder about how they could keep their daughters safeu00a0Phadkersquos essay however takes the concern a step further by asking how a feminist mother who values the right to choice walks the tightrope when it comes to granting her daughter freedom about her clothing choices while balancing what the lsquomall culturersquo expects of her ldquoA mother told me about how her fouryearold daughter just threw her hands up at a FabIndia store and said she no longer wanted to wear lsquothat stuffrsquou00a0 She wanted to wear the ubiquitous sequinned outfits to fit in The question that comes to the mind is should the mother impose her choice on the daughter which is against the feminist principal of letting one make their own choice or impose her own aestheticsrdquo According to the essay the parent in question decided to keepthe daughterrsquos happiness over her own ideas Another mother according to the essay was once called a lsquofraud feministrsquo by her teenaged daughter when she asked her to change into something less revealing Another mother revealed that she wouldnrsquot want her daughter to cover herself up in a burqa either ldquoThere were so many opinions and more questions It all made sense when one of the mothers put it down to this choosing to be sexualised is alright if one understands the gender politics behind it Then it includes not just agency but also lsquoknowledgersquordquo Phadke says she is also curious about the mall culture young girls so fiercely want to be a part of Here she says the question of progressive versus conservative mothers came up came up in middleclass and upper middle class discourse One of the most relevant questions here is what makes a mother liberal the fact that she lets her daughters frequent the mall but does not acknowledge them as sexual beings Or the mother who believes otherwise One mother disapproved these ldquotextured pleasuresrdquo because she saw malls as places that give children the idea that anything is available for a price without comprehending the value of things lsquoHow has feminism engaged with the idea of consumption and what do these reflections offer us as feminist mothers As one works through the complex layers of pleasure risk ideologies choices and ideas about agency reflected through the prism of feminist mothering the questions only multiplyrsquo says Phadke in her essay On the personal front Phadke often tries to find feminist literature for her daughter and changes themes of popular fairy tales to include homosexuality for instance ldquoWersquove told our daughter that she always has a choice about who touches her or even pulls her cheeks She however took it a tad too far recently and lsquochosersquo not to go a particular schoolrdquo laughs Phadke ldquoIt is never simple and it never ends I know the essay poses more questions than it answers and thatrsquos how layered feminist mothering can berdquo she smiles Read the essay on wwwacademiaedu3624227Feminist_Mothering_Some_Reflections_on_Sexuality_and_Risk_from_Urban_Indiau00a0