“See men, Dikuna, as you know I’m a natural athlete… (he stopped meaningfully for me to nod vociferously).”
Illustration/Uday Mohite
Lobo Lobo came over, striding purposefully, a whistle around his neck. He also had a pass attached, that read COACH, Lobo Lobo… he carried a large duffel bag.
“Hmmmm Lobo Lobo… you seem awfully chipper and sprightly this morning. What’s up?”
“See men, Dikuna, as you know I’m a natural athlete… (he stopped meaningfully for me to nod vociferously).”
“Ummm Lobo Lobo, uhm,” I hesitated.
“I want to be de Coach of India, ” he stated, emphatically.
“What sport do you think specifically you specialise in?”
“Any sport men, any sport. I am a nachurally sporty fallow, so I am happy to be coach of any sport or game — also I am a disciplinarian, and a motivator.
Fust tings fust, I would prefer to coach de Indian Football team, dey hired some Jamil fallow, yesterday onie — see men, dey should have teken me. I was captain of de Glaxose footer team, of 1981, we beat L & T, and East Bengal and Rashtriya Chemicals, my team, dey are all retired now, but dey are all socko good. Dey will be happy to assist me, see deres Taqdeer Aslam, 7 foot one inch bleddy hulk he is, now he’s a Bhendi Bazaar mutton biryani caterer, den he was a deadlee goalie, he will be my fitness and wellness expert, den my udder centre forward, T Thyagarajan Thampi, is my coordination-in-charge.
And I will be de main coach of speed and dribbling.
Boss, I’m in my prime, I could move like CR7… could dribble like blinking Leo Messi and my goal scoring, Pele no less… I could leap in de air like Maradonna, and I had de flembuoyance of Mo Salah, I was an all-round player.”
“So that’s your ultimate goal? Excuse the pun, Lobo Lobo.”
“I want to be coach of India — bas. I am adjustable men, you give me de responsibility, I’ll toh crack de code in any game… even doe footer is my specialty.
But if you go to see, I’ll be better dan dat Gambhir fallow in cricket. So bleddy khadoos he is, bugger is true to his name — he fights wid veryone dat chap, arrey men how you can fight wid a blinking groundsman. And his selecshun choices men, how you can keep a genius like poor Kuldeep out of de team, and you select all bunkus Shardul, and Khamboj… see boss, I’m not a fan of him and where our cirket is going, so I feel I can make a difference.”
“Lobo Lobo, can you tell me, what’s in your duffel bag, are you going somewhere?”
“See men, it is filled wid de clodes of different different sports — have to keep my clothing options open. I can be footer coach, I can be, coach of cricket… wid my dribbling skills, I can also be hockey coach, any team sport. Also individual sports — I am a wizard in baddy… whocyoucall badminton, I can get dat PV Sindoo back in form, arrey give me charge of our tennis academies, I will bring Grand Slams to our nation. I can make champs like Alcaraz, I have one nephew of my brudder Emmanuel Nunes his name is, he can de ne next big ting.
I can show my expertise in hutu-tu, or wochoycall kabaddi, kabaddi also kho-kho — or tug of war, I can teach hopscotch to any girls school, or volleyball or throwball, or basketball or langdi or seven tiles or catching cook, or lime and spoon race or sack race or high jump.
I can also teach and inspire all dese modern games, like chess and pickleball and Wordle and Solitaire and Soduku and WWF and Playstation and PubB — you name it, Dikuna men, I am de best coach, I’ll give it in writing in my blood”, he said dramatically. “You could call me Jolly LLB.”
“What does LLB stand for?” I enquired.
“Lobo Lobo Best,” he concluded.
Rahul daCunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, filmmaker and traveller. Reach him at rahul.dacunha@mid-day.com
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