The very last of here and now

It isnt just that I can no longer identify which home I long for most its that because suddenly there is time enough I find myself entangled within simultaneities This feeling has coincided with my recent progress with German mdash I finally felt confident enough to attempt learning the perfect past tense and my rereading of the beginning of Clarice Lispectors Agua VivaEvery thing has an instant in which it is her character writes I want to possess the atoms of time And to capture the present forbidden by its very nature the present slips away and the instant too I am this very second forever in the now This itness is of an intermingling of time Because I am aware even though I may not be able to predict with any calibrated precision that at some point in May I will have finally moved out of my apartment my every moment within it this now is inflected by the rosetinted glare of retrospectionMany elements that constituted my domestic routine are being performed for the last time For instance I had evolved an intuition about when the gas would run out Because I use my oven a lot a typical cylinder lasts me three months Yet I always manage to be caught off guard when the flame goes out and I find I have to improvise my cooking because I cannot always be sure the new cylinder will be delivered expedientlyOnce my sister and I had to transform our breakfast plans Instead of fried eggs we made muffinshaped baked eggs They were delicious This time I was in the middle of making a coconutbased pumpkin stew which we would have eaten with chapattis Just after I tempered the mustard and jeera I witnessed the flame flicker The inevitable was transpiringI quickly modified my intentions with the pumpkin and transposed the method to suit a baked version Instead of chapattis I decided to knead a wholewheat Foccacia dough which sat in a corner rising while my pumpkin cubes baked By the time I added in the coconut milk it was time to deflate and spread out my dough on the cast iron and to dimple the surface and cover it with an olive oil and seasalt brine I topped it with the seeds Id saved from the pumpkins core and put it into the oven right after I had taken out the stewThere is something ceremonious about all of it And given the circumstances my partner and I are the only witnesses I had hoped before to throw a big lunch or dinner and have many of my dearest friends over and cook some kilos of Vindaloo and Cafreal and Pulao and other feast itemsIn the light of all thats transpiring to proceed with that would be irresponsible Im still looking for ways to document these instantsnow Beside my building for instance I see the Peepal tree unravel its leaves for the last time as a resident This tree has always shed itself later than others in the neighbourhood many of which are already dressed in fresh chlorophyllSome weeks ago over two storms my floors were littered with dried out flowers from the Eucalyptus tree at the back If I peep out the window in my writing roombedroom I can see the virginal white glow of frangipani bloomsTo have lived in this apartment since September 2012 entailed being surrounded by all these nonhuman events like when two monkeys happily wandered into the kitchen while I was at my writing desk helped themselves to peanuts and felt no remorse when they were found out by me They took their own time to leave Yesterday my partner discovered on the ledge in the balcony a spread of bird dropping and randomly a shining one rupee coinThis is the longest most sustained period I have spent in any apartment in my adulthood mdash10 years almost And because I have received the grace of duration of uninterrupted slow time I seem to be processing my memories even as I inhabit my presentA kitchen scent evokes an incident my friend Supreet carving the pork shoulder I roasted so we can saute it before letting it out the kitchen to feed hungry guests except as the scent intensifies a queue starts to shape that extends through the hallway Which reminds me of that time I was frying prawns in my kitchen in Khirkee They never left the vicinity of the stove They were consumed instantly by voracious appetitesIt feels significant to have my partner here and for him to voluntarily shoulder so much of the responsibility of closing things up Sometimes I share with him what unfolds within my recall but I have made my peace with the specificity of these memories the fact that they are perhaps relevant to no one else but me Its part of my preparation towards unbelonging eschewing attachments to physical realms in my quest to become a true domestic nomadDeliberating on the life and times of Everywoman Rosalyn DMello is a reputable art critic and the author of A Handbook For My Lover She tweets RosaParxSend your feedback to mailbagmiddaycomThe views expressed in this column are the individuals and dont represent those of the paper