'Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles'
Director: Jonathan Libesman
Cast: Megan Fox, Will Arnett, William Fichtner
It's the era of reboots, remakes and rehashes, and Michael Bay has been doing it for a decade now with the 'Texas Chainsaw Massacre' and 'Friday the 13th' films. He's got the 'Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles' property in his pockets, and I'll now tell you ten reasons why the film is avoidable.
1) If you grew up watching the 'Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles' movies, this film will ruin your childhood. Everything you loved about those movies has been rehashed to be mutilated. A small part of you will die when you see what Bay has done to your favourite childhood characters.
2) Although not directed by Michael Bay, (it is made by Jonathan Libesman), it looks, feels and sounds like a Bay film. In fact, the there is no difference between this movie and the Transformers series in terms of visuals, characters and storytelling.
3) The Turtles themselves are not very entertaining. The original films had a bunch of scenes that made the camaraderie between the four turtles fun. None of the fun talkie stuff is there in this movie, save for one scene in the elevator right before the final fight. And that scene, which is the best scene in the film, is out on YouTube.
4) The biggest thing you remember from the '80s film? Cowabunga. There is no usage of the word in this remake, save for one instance where it has been done in a negative way.
5) The main villain of the film, Shredder, was an iconic character in the old films and the comics. There is nothing iconic about Shredder in this movie. He has a cool suit for sure, but there is no personality behind the mask.
6) Not to reveal any spoilers, but the actor who ultimately becomes Shredder is so far off from the character, it's unintentionally hilarious. And that's the biggest laugh you'll get in this movie which is supposed to be an action comedy.
7) The film is fast-paced, but not very well made action-wise. The action sequences are dull and bereft of energy and joy. There is plenty of martial arts, but it's not fun – it's dull as ditchwater.
8) There is too much CGI in the film, and even though the motion capture is well done, there is no way to get into the film because of the excessive use of the CGI.
9) The spectacularly untalented Megan Fox is one big reason to stay away from this movie. Poor thing becomes worse with every film.
10) Not enough pizza in the film. That's just wrong.