Since it has now been established that I am the Supreme Leader and I have been anointed, consecrated and coronated and even desecrated but not yet corrugated, I find it incumbent upon myself to present to you, my loving audience, a weekly dose of pre-digested pabulum, inanities masquerading as profundities and a whole host of fun little things that you did not know. Fact of the paragraph: For instance did you know that no matter how manly and masculine I may appear, helium can make my voice squeaky?

Modi digest: From miles away they worship me. I am their alpha and their omega. In fact, the less they know about me the more they love me. PIC/Shadab Khan

As I travel the world to spread awareness about my greatness... well, it is true that some foolish countries claim that they will not give me visas to visit them.

But they are unaware of my superhuman powers. I don’t need aeroplanes and border controls. My most faithful followers are those who don’t live in my great state, who have never met me, never had anything to do with me, never lived under my benevolence or benefited from my magnificence. From miles away they worship me. I am their alpha and their omega. In fact, the less they know about me the more they love me. Fact of the paragraph: The English alphabet has 26 alphabets.

In India, I specialise in┬ávisiting educational institutions. This is because the young are the future of this country (please notice how I put in a perfectly obvious fact while I’m actually trying to make a point). Also, in nursery and KG, they cannot actually question me very much about empty glasses, full glasses, half full glasses, half empty glasses hot air and so on. You can always just start singing “The wheels of the bus go round and round”, which can also double up as The Fact for this Paragraph.

I also visit the armed forces because they defend us and are secular (eeks, I said that word now I’ll have to atone for my sins, look what they did to my former guru when he went to Pakistan and said that word...) Note to self: never go to Pakistan no matter how many visas they offer you. Then, sigh, there is the whole question of my former guru. Oh, why doesn’t he love me any more? I had no option but to become greater than him. It is everyone’s fate to have someone become greater than him. (Note to self: Keep a keen eye out for anyone who’s more ambitious than me after all my ambitions are fulfilled). Fact of the Paragraph: Men can become bald.

There has been some discussion about my attitude towards puppies, children of dogs and so on. I don’t see why as a Supreme Leader I have to explain anything but some of my more cowardly followers think I should make this clear: If I am sitting in a car which I am not driving and a child of a dog gets killed, there is a possibility that I may feel bad. I hope all that is clear. Fact of this Paragraph: Death follows life.

It is necessary for every Supreme Leader (I don’t mean there are any others apart from me, I am just making a general observation to sound a little humble) to have a good public relations machinery. I have the best in the world. I don’t mean the ones I pay money to. I mean my enormous voluntary army which works so hard in the social media and on TV to keep my name in the news at all times. I owe it all to them. People say India has one of the greatest mythologies in the world. Just take a look at me if you want proof. Fact of this paragraph: One is a prime number.

Finally, it is necessary to talk about development. I have developed everything. It’s all me. Anyone who says otherwise is a jealous traitor to this great country and the Great Me. Fact of this paragraph: Oh, who cares. You’ll believe anything I say anyway.

Ranjona Banerji is a senior journalist. You can follow her on twitter @ranjona