Ek ya do, bas

Let me tell you, there are only two types of people. No — don’t interrupt. Don’t say if, but, what about, actually, er, I think and all that doubting stuff. If you do (I know I said if, but I am allowed to say if — because there are two types of people, those who are allowed to say if and those who are not) — if you do say all this then we will know which type of person you are.

Illustration/ Amit Bandre

So, anyway, as declared on TV, there are two types of people. Like, there are people who vote and people who don’t vote.

But to vote you need a voter’s card and you can only get that if you have a ration card and you can only get that if you have a fixed address and..

That is why you should get an Aadhar card.

I tried to but then my fingerprints wouldn’t register because they had become callused with labour. So I couldn’t vote.

Well, then, you are the other kind of person, you do not vote.

No, actually I can’t vote.

You are complicating the issue for no reason.

Let me give you another example. There are two types of people.

People who walk away in an accident and people who don’t.

There are two types of people, those who stop at traffic lights and those who don’t.

Oh. But I think I am the third type. I don’t have a car only.

You don’t have a car only? What kind of person are you? The third kind. And, in fact, about traffic lights I wanted to say one thing.

Like sometimes na, there is a lot of traffic jam, and the auto-rickshaw guy will say, “Mama hoga zaroor”. Meaning, when there is a traffic cop ensuring that everyone waits at the traffic light then normally it creates a big traffic jam so we normally say that. And the rest of the time with some jugaad we manage to all get ahead.

So are you saying that we should be a culture of jugaad? Because my friend, there are two types of cultures — jugaadu and non-jugaadu.

No I am just saying that we have to do jugaad because the red-light system doesn’t work. Partly because there are too many privately owned cars and not enough good public transport so.

Oh my God. You are making a simple thing so complicated. Are you some kind of subversive? Because there are two types of people you know. Those who love the country and think the rules are okay and the system would work if people just followed it basically. And there are those who doubt, question, and want to come with new frameworks and other intellectual stuff, which clearly shows they don’t love the country.

Ok, let me boil it down to some real basics for you because you are really not getting it. There are two types of people ok — men and women.

Um, but Sir, nowadays we acknowledge that there is also a third gender, or maybe more than one gender.

What! My goodness you are a shirker. No wonder you don’t have a car. If you genuinely believed in the country and loved it and followed the rules and worked hard, you would have a car.

Ya well, I don’t have a car.

Yes, we got that. That’s why you don’t count. How will you come out on to the streets to fight for this country if you don’t have a car?

Toing. Enlightenment has hit me. Thank God for TV and its triumphant truths.

Paromita Vohra is an award-winning Mumbai-based filmmaker, writer and curator working with fiction and non-fiction. Reach her at www.parodevi.com.
The views expressed in this column are the individual’s and don’t represent those of the paper.

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