Recently, I came across a paragraph in a legal document that read...
Recently, I came across a paragraph in a legal document that read (and I paraphrase) "And whereas the subsequent heir may or may not avail of said property noted herewith as "gate", defined "terrestrial concrete division creating material barrier", and whomsoever may deem to access aforementioned gate, and whereas such access may be denied by person or persons with authority or heirs thereof to lock said gate, this court notes that hereinafter, such access will be granted to Messrs. Patel, defined as owners, noted hereinbefore, wheresoever possible, hereunder listed".u00a0
When I recovered from passing out, which one would do trying to read this as one sentence, which is how it was written, I realised what it was trying to say. That a man called Mr Patel would be allowed to use a once disputed gate.
This obscure gate judgment was given by a lower court in Jharkhand, where, the defense, unable to understand what was being said, that they had won, and annoyed by all the English, resorted to what usually happens in a sensible sober democracy with a rule of law -- public nudity. The defense lawyer took off all his clothes and walked out of court, presumably in protest, but unsure of what he was against.
Jharkhand is not among the highest literate states, and perhaps an even smaller percentage of its population is fluent in the English language. So one could forgive this poor attorney for being overburdened by Restoration linguistics. This is not a problem Cambridge University has, which, by most accounts, is a reasonably literate place. I sent the legal language to a professor friend of mine there with a double PhD in English Literature and History and this was his email reply. "I have no idea what this says. I think it's something to do with someone stealing a gate? I have not seen language like this since the decrees of Charles II. No one has used Hereunder or Wheresoever after 1720. Where did you find this? Which museum?"
As a senior barrister explained to me, "For years, in small towns, you could win any case just by speaking fluent Queen's English. It did not matter what you were saying, as long as there were big words pronounced well".u00a0
The great irony remains that the primary business in all our main courts of law is still conducted in English and a small percentage of those practising and those judging actually understand the nuances of the language well. I don't mean the English Language. I mean this English Language that has not been spoken since the 18th century. As another lawyer explained, "What our legal language is asking a largely Hindi speaking country to do, is to brush up on how Warren Hastings spoke if they want to understand how a dispute with their brother over a cable connection in their Noida flat might turn out" 
Of course, this leads to massive complications and immense manoevring around typos. During the IPL litigations and documentations, the words "Sweat Equity" showed up in a document as "Sweet Equity". Clearly an error by a tired typist. Instead of ignoring it as slightly funny, there were legal opinions floating about that it was put in purpose and what it could have meant. A tenant told me that he lost a flat because a rental agreement mistakenly had the language "Reasonable war and tear" (meaning the flat was allowed reasonable wear and tear during his rental term), clearly a spelling error.u00a0 Apparently the owner said, "Why you want to have a war?"
"I don't. My lawyer made a mistake", said the renter. "I don't like how your lawyers are trying to slip in war in our agreement," said the owner, and walked away from the deal, presumably, in his head, content with having saved global conflict.
Anuvab Pal is a Mumbai-based playwright and screenwriter. His plays in Mumbai include Chaos Theory and screenplays for Loins of Punjab Presents (co-written) and The President is Coming. He is currently working on a book on the Bollywood film Disco Dancer for Harper Collins, out later this year.u00a0 Reach him at www.anuvabpal.com
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