Rahul da Cunha: I want to be Virat Kohli

I've decided, I want to be Virat Kohli when I grow up. Or, at any rate, I want to be his clone. I want to reach his level of fitness, be that rich. I want an entire nation's hopes on me alone, I want endorsements, I want an actress-girlfriend, I want to speak English, Hindi and Punjabi fluently , I want to roll my 'r's' with the élan of the dude. I want to be even better dressed than Barack Obama. Virat is that complete package, a genius at the height of his powers.

And, I have realised one crucial secret —the key to the man's success isn't genetics, 0r grit or gym obsession. It is the tattoos inked all over his body. Just like Batman got his power from the bat suit and the bat mobile. And Superman received energy from his cape. And, Asterix from the magic potion, Kohli gets his superhuman powers from his myriad tattoos.

Illustration/Uday Mohite
Illustration/Uday Mohite

Google will inform you that the Punjabi master blaster-cum-metrosexual wears four tattoos. On the inside of his upper right arm shoulder is the tattoo describing his star sign Scorpio — which is dynamic, aggressive, ambitious — he activates his Scorpio tattoos, for example, whenever he needs to go against the sledging Aussies. The second tattoo is a Samurai sword — a symbol of loyalty and faithfulness — which he presses when he wants to attack the trolls on twitter who go after Ms Anushka Sharma and defend her honour and integrity.

(What's with these morons? I mean, do they really believe that her presence affects his batsmanship? Thank god they weren't around when Shammi Kapoor romanced Sharmila Tagore — perfect reason to blame that on Tiger Pataudi's lapses in form).

The third is a Chinese sign which symbolises self-discipline and ethical behaviour. The fourth is a secret, which he plans to reveal to us in the foreseeable future. (My hunch is that it is a tattoo of the Kingfisher logo. Now that some of Mr Mallya's stuff is being sold, the Royal Challengers' captain wants something to remember his former boss by).

So, to become like Mr Kohli I'm thinking of getting three tattoos. On my left shoulder will be my star sign, the Crab for Cancer — which is activated to escape anything unpleasant or annoying — including the paying of Diwali bakshish to assorted smiling personnel. I just press my tattoo of the crab, and boom, I automatically disappear into the sand, well in Mumbai that would translate into 'thin air'.

My second tattoo is of an iPhone. This guards against anyone who tries to SMS/speak/Whatsapp while engaging with me. Including an audience member at a play or a movie — so the moment the person, picks up his handset, I press my skin phone and boom, the guilty party either gets a shock, a slap or a poke in the ribs.
Finally, I want a tattoo of a large chill pill. So, when India loses a match and we go into large collective deopression… I just press the pill, and we are reminded of the countless other problems facing the nation, not just two no-balls.

Rahul da Cunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at rahuldacunha62@gmail.com

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