First, she's okay with my vices, now she's not!

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First, she's okay with my vices, now she's not!

Dear Diana,

Illustration/Satish Acharya

I am a 40-year-old unmarried man. My cousin sister forwarded a proposal of a friend on a matrimonial site. Her age is 42.u00a0 She has also seen my profile on a matrimonial site. We met and at first meetjng itself, we spoke quite freely. I even told her about my smoking and occasional drinking habit. At the time, she accepted me as I was. At our second meeting, she started emotionally blackmailing me to quit smoking. I am not justifying my habits but at 40 it isn't easy for me to quit or reduce the intake drastically. I am not a heavy drinker, too.u00a0 At our first meeting, I told her I usually drink twice to thrice a day and that I enjoy it. I told her I'd allow her to continue her hobbies and activities in return. I met her parents, they also hinted that I drink only occasionally. My parents are forcing me to go ahead with the marriage. But I am afraid she might fuss about it later. Why can't she allow me some freedom if I can accord her that?

Help Seeker

Dear Friend,
It's understandable that you should want to think twice about getting into this marriage. She was okay with your 'bad habits' the first time around. And it isn't like you hid it from her. If she's being a pain now, what's not to say what she might be like later on. If you really want things to work out, it's bestu00a0 the two of you get some closure on this. Explain to her that you have reached a point in your life when it is difficult to suddenly give up a way of life you've known for the greater part of your life. And besides, you are trying to be as flexible in allowing her to have her space and letting her live the way she wants to. Your parents are more worried about you being a bachelor all your life because you want to stick to your habits but I think it is a fair trade-off you are offering her in terms of giving her, her space. I'd like to advise her to give you some time to lessen your smoke and drink intake before helping you get rid of the problem altogether. If she can't get that into her head, then there's little you can do. Call it quits while you're ahead. This is not the end, maybe you'll find someone who's a fellow smoker and drinker.

Dear Diana,
I had a girlfriend for the last three years. We were quite in love. In between, we broke up because of her mom, but six months on, she returned back. She'd scare her mom a lot. Now again, six days back (after my board exams ended), she broke up with me. I really don't know what she wants. We belong to different castes. Could that be the reason? I am helpless and am unable to think anything positive.

Anshuman

Dear Anshuman,
Your castes will always be different. So I doubt that would be the bone of contention. Has her mother ever been disapproving of you? Why? Has she ever emotionally blackmailed her daughter into submission? Do you think that it could be the case in the current situation? I personally think couples should be more forthright about the things they do and the decisions they make so that there's no heartburn later on. If you can't do that, there's something seriously wrong with your relationship.