'Good comedians must be married or homosexual'

As Cyrus Broacha and Kunal Vijaykar get their next stand-up comic act together, they list what life in the funny lane has taught them. Among random musings, they manage to list 10 things they learnt

Do not wait for an audience and be utterly shameless
Nobody listens to us anyway, so don't wait for an audience. Go ahead and do anything to make people laugh.

Be complex
You must be very complex and have a lot of hatred towards society. For example, most comedians are either short, bald, fat or stupid. We are all four and together we are all eight. The bigger the complex the better the comedian. So if you live in Lokhandwala you'll be a very funny comedian because it's huge and very ugly.

Ayesha Nair
While performing in India, start laughing at your own joke so that others know when to laugh as well.
Of course in France you do not need to do this because nobody will be listening anyway. Also always lift other people's jokes.

For your final act, always be naked
Cyrus: This I learnt from Kunal.
Kunal: That's the only way I can get laughs. Most women have laughed when I am naked.
Cyrus: You don't have to elaborate now.

All comedians must floss
Cyrus: Flossing is very important because you are the only one laughing at your jokes and the audience gets to see your teeth a lot and your face a lot. Kunal, do you floss?
Kunal: I floss furiously.
Cyrus: But he does not bathe. You can't get everything.

If possible, you must be a failure
Cyrus: Comedians who are failures do well because they are surrounded by sad stories which they can make funny. For example my life has been a failure, social failure. My only friend is Kunal. Now if that's not a failure...u00a0

You must cough throughout your performance
Cyrus: Kunal has taught me this because his years in comedy go back to the Indus Valley Civilisation while he was a teenager and shaking a leg with the dancer Parvati herself. He told me you must always cough when you forget a joke. For example, two men went to a bar... cough... cough... one of them... cough... cough...and then he said... cough... cough... The audience also starts laughing. So it's a good technique to hide your inefficiencies.

Preferably, be married or homosexual
Cyrus: I am married and well... (points to Kunal). I get most of my humour from my wife. I get up, she's shaving... those kinda things.

Be blank
Doordarshan worked and it was blank. We have nothing against blank. It's better than one of those long prepared jokes which takes three hours to finish. So blank is nice, like, "Come, tell us a joke." "I can't. I'm blank."

Have groupies/ plant people in the audience
Cyrus: Last week we played at a party for under five-year-olds. I was a tree and Kunal was Santa Claus. We got a lot of laughs. The dog peed on the tree and that brought the house down. We got lots of groupies. Every 20 minutes Priyanka Chopra calls us.
Kunal: What also helps a comedian is planting people in the audience.
u00a0