Rahul da Cunha: Shah Jahan se Achcha

Illustration/Uday Mohite

So, Emperor Shah Jahan called up the other day. "Yo janaab, sup?" he announced "Hey Shah Jahan, kahan hai aap, it's been centuries since we last met," I quipped. But the fifth Mughal emperor was in no mood for humour. "Okay Shah Jahaan ko gussa kyon aata hai?" I enquired more respectfully. "Bro, I'm fully fed up. Just you try building a palace, that takes 20 years to construct, for a wife who has a view point on everything, where the walk-in closets should be, where the gym should be situated. We should have gone to Chor Bazaar for cheaper marble. As you know, we have seven children, so each room has to be designed separately. Our third son is a Blade Runner freak, so his room should have a 2049 vibe; our daughter is a throwback to Miley Cyrus; my Begum met Preity Zinta at a kitty party, so she wants to start an IPL team called the Mumtaz Marauders. Then the AMC (Agra Municipal Commissioner) won't give me FSI so I cannot build another dome on the present dome. And, now all these centuries later, they're questioning if the Taj Mahal is part of our culture. More importantly, they are saying that the property is on stolen land - are they calling me a land grabber? Me, the finest Indian architects, after Charles Correa? Peeps are comparing me to Mumbai land sharks?"

"Sir, tension mat lo, Subramanian Swamy is merely saying that he has proof that you built on stolen land." "How does he know? Was he alive at that time? Arrey boss, the property was handed down from my dad, Jahangir to me, and I have the papers to prove it." "Mr J, they also want to remove the Taj Mahal from Uttar Pradesh tourism pamphlets." Shah Jahan laughed the laugh of a 70s Hindi movie villain. " Dude... you think that bothers me. If they had deleted my mausoleum from textbooks, that would have been depressing, but tourism booklets, mera baap ka kya jaata hai? Rahul, Taj Mahal is still one of the top tourist attractions on travel guide lists. And Discovery Channel is doing a 10-part web series on Netflix, called, 'Victoria, Abdul and the Gigantic Echo', in which Judi Dench and Ali Fazal go on a tour of my creation."

"So, then you're happy, Mr Jahan?" "No, no. Aurangzeb, my fifth son, is pi'''d off. He demands to know why they're renaming his road Dr APJ Abdul Kalaam Road? I mean, it's not like the road was originally named after some British dude and it's now been named after some obscure South Indian freedom fighter!" Just then my other phone rang. It was Gabbar Singh. "Arrey o da Cunha, apparently your namesake has dubbed GST as Gabbar Singh Tax?" "This is correct, sarkar," I whimpered. "You call Arun Jaitley right now and ask him to rename GST as TST, after India's second biggest villain." "TST?" I enquired 'Tipu Sultan Tax."

Rahul da Cunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at rahuldacunha62@gmail.com