Gondhal vs Dhurandhar

Illustration/Uday Mohite

Dhurandhar was furious, he turned to his younger brother, Durandhar: The Revenge, and exclaimed, "WTF… WTF??!"

Dhurandhar: The Revenge said, "Watch your language, badhe bhai. WTF is impolite?"

"WTF isn't ‘What The F$%k… it is ‘Why That Film?'"

"Which film?" the younger brother asked.

"Arrey Chhota, keep up ya, that one Gondhal… the movie that stole the Oscar selection away from us two. I had not heard of this film till today."

"If we're being honest, Dhurandhar bhai, it is because of you that we may have lost out."

"How dare you, Chhota."

"Your film was set entirely in Karachi, you might as well have been Pakistan's official entry to the Oscars."

"Let me tell you something, since we're being honest, my film was far more successful than your film, Rs 3200 crore box office worldwide vs you, who earned just about half that."

"Hey, hey, Oscar selection has nothing to do with box office success."

"Let's not fight, there's a common enemy out there, Gondhal."

"You know for those jury members, apparently we don't represent Indian culture - I ask what is not Indian about both our films, what is India today if not a bunch of bearded men, riding around the country wreaking havoc, randomly beating people, creating massive toxicity."

"Makes sense bhai, Dhurandhar is India, India is Dhurandhar."

"Arrey bhai, please explain to me how a film like Gondhal, set in rural Maharashtra represents Indian culture. Ours is such a diverse country, will someone in Telengana relate to this Maharashtrian film? And what will those Hollywood judges understand about a man with a cow mask?"

Just then Gondhal walked through the door and said, "And you're telling me both your Dhurandhars will impress the voters at the Academy, let me tell you, your films are Hollywood copies, the same action has been done there for over forty years… Dhurandhar is a poor man's Die Hard, the Bourne films, John Wick. They have better effects, superior action, so if you can't make it through our panel, what chance do you have in the US."

Main Wapas Aaunga popped into the conversation, "Hello, I get that you are jealous."

"We are not jealous... we are not angry, we want to know why we were not selected."

The "ungli" master Main Wapas Aaunga stood upto his full height and said, "If truth be told, you two don't understand cinema, you don't understand subtlety, all you want to do is create jingoism, you think just writing a screenplay which screams ‘We hate Pakistan', is gonna make it. You wanna tell a real Pakistan story, be us. Tell an emotional Partition fable - You can create ‘taaliya' here, but every jury will look for a love story, not a hate one.

Anurag Kashyap is right, we get our Oscar nominees wrong, we go after some weird notion of how the West views us, look both Dhurandhar and Gondhal are wrong selections in my view, one is too massey and one is too ethnic.

I'm not even sure Pather Panchali had what it took, as a uniquely Indian tale, Lagaan had it down pat. It was the perfect Bollywood film, full of baddies, the Brits vs Bhuvan, land tax and a cricket humdinger, villages and viceroys and Aamir's double love interest, enough global appeal, and the ‘gora' angle, it was ethnic, escapist, entertaining, exciting, all at once.

Gondhal piped up, "If you ask me, Anurag was piqued when he says, only wrong films are chosen for the Oscar, I'm sure he's miffed that his Gangs of Wasseypur was never chosen"

Haq, the courtroom drama, who also lost out, spoke for the first time, "Let me tell you, it's all political, both of you are about macho men and wily women, whether it's set in Pathankot or Palghar… if it's not a human interest story like mine, you may make it to the Oscars, but believe me you won't get nominated."

All the films turned to Ha' and said, "What in your view is a real Indian story?"

Haq said, "I'd a say an elderly couple find their names struck off the electoral voters list, and with that they lose their insurance and other things, their battle for justice, is a uniquely Indian story."

Rahul daCunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, filmmaker and traveller. Reach him at rahul.dacunha@mid-day.com