Lobo Lobo and Jai Ho Ho Ho Ho

Illustration/Uday Mohite

Lobo Lobo, my cable TV technician called me on FaceTime.
"Lobo Lobo hello, what's happened … you just left my house, all well?"
"No D-D-Dikuna men, I'm n-n-n-n-not," he said, his teeth chattering.
"Why are your teeth chattering?" I asked perplexed.
"Okay men, I was heading back to my Virar…
Ujally wen I come to see you, in SoBo, I have to take one rickshaw, change tree trains, and take one bus - Today morrning, I tought, why not avail of dis pride of your Sout Mumbai - de Coastal Road"
"Must have saved you time?"

"Arrey Dikuna men, let me retell you wot wot experiences I had on my way home. As you know I tooked out my old Ambassador, I have an old 60s model - my grandad Lancelot Lourdes Lobo's car it is, wid no top - ohohoho how we used to drive to Lonavala up de Western Gats men, wind in our hair in de 70s."
"If you could get to the point, please."

"Sorry sorry I get carried away... nowadays one tanker overturns in Lonavala and socko gotala happens… anyways so today, I had passed your dat all Mantralaya traffic, and I was merrly riding on de right of de road on de Coastal Road heading to dat yor Worli. Suddenly, one SUV comes at break neck speed, de driver looks like he was no more dan 16 years old…one of dose underage rascals, a rich kid who tooked his dad's car for a spin, shooting dose insta reels. Anyway, so I see him come behind me and ‘pepepepepepeppeh' he's blowing his horn and shooting at de same time . Den de bugger leaves the steering and gets onto de bonnet to pose, his car swerved and I nearly banged my Ambi car to de side"
"Oh wow, are you ok?"

"No men, I'm not ok - when I swerved on de side of de last lane, suddenly I heard dis loud voice saying ‘JAI HO'. Men, I got de fright of my life... I tought some ghost or genie is under my car. Who is dis voice shouting JAI HO? So den I took one little left right left right to check, and I heard same damn ghost voice ‘HO HO HO HO', like you know Santa Claus in Xmas. And I'm tinking what is dis music accompaniment, wot is going on, my mind toh went into a solid tizzy, by now I was totally shaked up. And den, one more mad driver tinking he is Michael Shoomaker, driving at 120 kmph he overtaked me, and once more I went almost banged into de side lane and one more dis voice is singing, ‘BAILA BAILA BAILA - KAALA KAALA KAAJAL TERA, JAI HO'. I swear Dikuna men I felt I was like you know in de 70s dose ghost movies, wochyoucall ahhh Ramsay Brudders movies like ‘Dak Bangla' and ‘Ghungroo ki Awaaz'. Dis voice is underr my car saying, ‘KOI KAALA JAADU HAI…', all echoing and all. I'm tinking somebuddy wants to spook me out, maybe my next door neiburr, Jugnu Jagmohan Jatania, he has one serious panga wid me. I tinked dat maybe he had put one Bluetoot in de bottom of de car, you know like dat GPS tracker dey use in 007 James Bond fillums. I wanted to find out wot is happening, so I calleded my son Ronaldo, he tolded me, ‘Arrey dad, that is not a Ramsay Brothers soundtrack, it's the AR Rahman song from Slumdog Millionaire. It is so melodious, bro'."

"I tolded to him, wot melodious, I nerly had a heart attack. See Dikuna men, I aks you, wazza point of only 500 metres of de song, iz like only verse onie, dat too you have to be driving at 60-80 knph, to hear it, my blinking Ambi barely manages 50pmph. See I hav suggestions, if dey want anudder few songs, to cover de distance all de way to Virar, I'll suggest men, from Worli to Dahisar Check naka, past NH 48, to where Caner Road reches Virar, dey should play only song men. One song to tell want is de state of roads, potholes and traffic, and dat song is ‘HIGHWAY TO HELL'," Lobo Lobo concluded.

Rahul daCunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, filmmaker and traveller. Reach him at rahul.dacunha@mid-day.com