Lobo Lobo and the impossible mission

Illustration/Uday Mohite

Lobo Lobo climbed into my home from the terrace.

"Lobo Lobo, I have a door, there's no need to enter through a window…"

"Arre Dikuna men, I wanted to show you my skills as a stunt man."

"Huh, how's it possible you're a stunt man?"

"See men, I am a fearless fellow, risk is my second name - I have done socko Bollywood flims - now I'm making my entry in Hollywood…"
"Oh boy, tell me more."

"So you know dat our attack in dose Paki terrorist camps, it was called Operation Sindhi."

"Sindoor… Operation Sindoor, not Sindhi."

‘Yes yes dat only. So many peepuls wanted to take de copyright of de name ‘Operation Sindhi'. …Ambani, Akshay but only one man has de clout and de courage to make it a reality."

"Who?"

"Arrey Cruise men, Tom Cruise."

"Yes… the latest Mission Impossible opened in theatres yesterday."

"So Tom is making de final one - ‘Mission Impossible - Operation Sindhi' and we only are de stunt team for de India section of de shoot schedule."
"You have a stunt team??"

"Yes… all all my friends and dere families. My chaddi buddy, Taqdeer Aslam, seven foot ‘bhooth' he is, used to be shot out of de cannon in dat Jumbo Circus, at Cross and Oval Maidan, his son oh baapre, dat Amjad he's one mad bugger, wot wot tricks he duz on de motobike, chhe, den Sakharam Shinde, hes my neighbour, he was a fireman, he jumps out of windows - jakaas."

"But you, Lobo Lobo, you, how can you possibly scale up mountains and hang from helicopters?"

"Arrey baba Dikuna men, see in my native village of Canaguinim Beach in South Goa, I climb up de high, high trees men, like a monkey, to get down de coconuts to make de feni, my bruddr in law, from Myrtle's side he has a shop where he sells,

Francos Funny Feni it is called, anyway im getting side tracked, so dat is why I can climb high high. I tolded Tom Cruise's manager dat I want to be his stunt double, because I tink so Tom and I look same to same… wot say men?"

"But Lobo Lobo you're a man, in your mid 50s with a more than prosperous little stomach, thin arms - how will you hang out of a helicopter. Also, you don't look anything like Tom Cruise! And surely you get vertigo?"

See men, wen I was dating Myrtle men, tirty years before, her parents were against me, dey are Mangalorian, wot to do, dey aksed her who is dis Goan good for nutting chappie. I would slide into her bedroom late late night - if by chance dey came to her room, I would escape trough de window and den hang from de window sill, or de balcony, at great heights..so hanging from a chopper, is very easy for me."

"Lobo Lobo, do you have a screen name"

"Yes, I have - I am BINDAAS BOB."

Rahul daCunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at rahul.dacunha@mid-day.com