Mid-Day Opinion: Lobo Lobo and the Odyssey

Illustration/Uday Mohite

Lobo Lobo, my cable TV technician came over dressed like Odysseus in Christopher Nolan's The Odyssey. He clanked his way to my house and rang the doorbell, I opened the door.

"Hello Lobo Lobo… uhm Odysseus… uhm Matt Damon; what do I call you?"

"What doth my siege do… what does thouest doth do?" he spoke through his iron helmet.

"What is this dialogue you are spouting and why are you speaking like this, Lobo Lobo?"

"Mine name is Thelonious Loboyeeus, I would beseech you to speak like thus…"

"Lobo, no one spoke like this 3000 years ago, not even Homer."

"Dikunaeeus, you know Homer or what?"

"Uh no not personally… no one knows Homer."

"Acchha acchha, I thought you were referring to my neighbour Homer Wolfgang Hendricks, I owe him some moolah."

"On another note, why are you dressed in this armour and what is this vessel that you have parked outside?"

"Dikunaeeus men, I wish to get home."

"Loboyyeus, I am confused, why are you talking like Matt Damon's character in The Odyssey, who was trying to get back to Ithaca?"

"Arre sire, you have no idea, I am also trying to get back to my home in Virar…"

"But why are you planning to go by ship?"

"Arrey men, doth you know, my land Virar is fully flooded, the multiple drops that fell from heaven last weekend that made the whole area like the raging sea - from the island of Vasai, to the Nalasopara straits and the Kalyan Junction, my land Virar has been under siege, sorry, water for one week. There is no power, no electricity, my queen Myrtle is stranded, so is Prince Rolando, and the only transport possible to get home is by water."

"And you have a boat/ship whatever…what is that contraption?"

‘See Dikunaeeus, my uncle Menelaus Monterio, he has a garage in dat yonder Andheri East, so dat weekend when dat socko rain came… full to full from Vasai to Virar is fully flooded and water is not draining out, he and his team made me this ship - one seriously socko team they have - Nolan Noronha, he is one top engineer. He has one more assistant called Telemachus Tellis, and his partner Agnamemnon Andrade, dey made dis ship, like totally futuristic."

"But Loboyyeus, tell me, I get that the only way home to Virar is by ship, but why are you dressed in armour and why are you carrying a sword, do you expect danger on the way, are you expecting to get into a fight, expecting to go into battle?" I asked.

"Yes indeed, I beseech you to understand, the many dangers I will face like dat Odysseus fellow, he faced dat Poseidon god of the sea, he coped up wid Cyclops, and Silla and Kareebdees, and dose singing sisters, I have my own enemies - I will have to face dat Darya-nani, who is god of the floods - when I sail past Nalasopara, dere are some gangs there that will stand in my way, at Kalyan Junction also… you must comprende, Dikunaeeus. Many, many hurdles I will encounter, and I must be prepared," Lobo Lobo said gallantly.

"Well, my friend, I don't wish to stand in your way. Here's to a safe and peaceful voyage, Loboyyeus."

‘Tanks men, Dikumaeeus. By the way, there is a plan to make a biopic on me, as Odysseus."

"That's amazing, Lobo Lobo."

"Yes, it will be titled ‘O desi'," he concluded.

Rahul daCunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, filmmaker and traveller. Reach him at rahul.dacunha@mid-day.com