Lobo Lobo’s passport

Illustration/Uday Mohite

Lobo Lobo came over, looking a combination of distraught and dapper, stressed and a bit lost.

"Why you looking overdressed Lobo Lobo?" I asked.

"Hey men Dikuna, I went for dat passport size photo take outing"

"Lobo Lobo, I'm guessing you need to renew your passport?"

Lobo Lobo's voce went a bit silent, he took his fog horn voice down a notch, "Dikuna men, problem became, see men let me tell you, men see I don't have a passport… an Indian passport."

"Care to repeat that, Lobo Lobo?"

"Arrey men, deaf or wot, dat Indian passport, you know de blue booklet… I, uh, don't have."

"How can you not have a passport, Lobo Lobo, every Indian has to have one, at least as proof of being Indian in a foreign country, as proof of Indian citizenship."

"Yes men, I totally agree wid you, but don't have one, wot to say?"

"But, I'd like to believe that you have the blue booklet but its expired."

"Yes men, I used to have one but it expired fifteen years ago."

"And you've not travelled outside India for all that time?"

"Arre, no men, who has the dosh, the rokda, to go abroad men. The closest I come to travelling out of de country is when I pass de Chhatrapati Shivali international airport and see de planes overhead."

"But you have been abroad, to have got a passport in the first place, right Lobo Lobo"

"See men, once I went to dat Dubai, many years ago, I was on a ship - wochyoucall dat uhm haan a cruise. Dat big big ship - it was like de QE2. I had a band men, it was called de HIJOKERS.
Me and my cuzzin sister, Griselda, and her sister, Geranium, and dere mom in law Gastronomica, dere were like de Bee Gees, only dey were tree womens, and I was on de keyboards we would play hits like ‘I Will Survive' and ‘Tragedy' and ‘Stayin Alive, we would play for all de passengers'," Lobo Lobo reminisced.

"Lobo Lobo, all that is ok and I would love to get nostalgic about your past. But, I have a question, if you don't have a passport, how do you prove your Indianess. What's your proof of citizenship? You have an Aadhar card, surely?"

"No men. It's an aadha card becoz only half de details are correct."

"You have a PAN card??"

Lobo Lobo was silent.

"You have a drivers licence? An election card?" I asked.

"Okay this is getting us nowhere. This is for sure Lobo Lobo, you must have a birth certificate, surely a birth certificate."

"Ummm," faltered Lobo Lobo, "see men, I was born in Malad men, you know dat area Orlem, na. Dere is one church dere, St Lourdes of Perpetual Succour, so I was born around dere onie. And den my parents took me over dere, to de parish for de baptism, you know baptism na men Dikuna, where dey put de baby inside de water. And den you get named and your name, in my case Thelonious Harmonious Lobo gets put on de certificate. But somehow, my parents Hyacinth and Plutonious Lobo, they never got my name on de certificate and I don't know onie where it is. I went to de church and dat main priest Fadder Jupister Mascarenhas SJ had lost it and den I went from pillar to post at BMC registrar office but to no avail, so I'm stuck men."

"So what have you got, if you don't have a valid passport, or a Aadhar card, or a PAN card or a drivers licence or a birth certificate?" I asked.

"Dikuna men, I have a ration card," Lobo Lobo concluded.

Rahul daCunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, filmmaker and traveller. Reach him at rahul.dacunha@mid-day.com