Mid-Day Opinion: Rats on the run

Illustration/Uday Mohite

It was a difficult time for two Bombay rodents, Lord Ratatouille Rastogi and Lady Chuh-raliya Chaturvedi. For the last ten years they had marked out their territory very clearly - they were royal rats, upmarket, sophisticated, classy - they weren't into handouts, no leftovers…only fresh food for them. Fine dining was their forte, they wished to sample food at the upscale eateries they inhabited. It was their desire to recommend dishes to the chef. They saw themselves as master sniffers, much like sommeliers, or sensory analysts. Ratatouille loved souffles and sushi. Chuh-raliya loved her Indian, Roganjosh, and Parsi dhansak, especially.

Ratatouille had famously told a chef of a five star rated Michelin restaurant once, "Your Lobster Thermidor isn't what it used to be". The two rodents had had a long run of "destruction" in Mumbai city - they were considered as Bonnie and Clyde, the Bunty-Babli of ransacking and stealing food. Ratatouille has once said to Chuh-raliya, "Lady C, they don't appreciate us, they see us as negative creatures, as in we are Robin Hood - like, we sample food before people eat it, we are true patriots. We will only really be appreciated posthumously."

Ratatouille's grandad Rat-anlal Rastogi, had first entered Chopsticks opposite Talk of the Town, in the 70s, he had a special interest in Indian Chinese food. "See rice and noodles is not my preferred carb, but their Gin Chicken is too much good."

Ratatouille's dad, Chuha Rastogi, had always wanted to get into catering but had a series of flops. Ratatouille said, "Startups are the way to go, no real estate needed." Ratatouille and Chuh-raliya were South Bombay residents, old worldly in their taste - no nouveau riche for them. Also they were clearly SoBo, it was their beat and what could be more desired than clubs.

The two of them had club memberships in all the gymkhanas in SoBo.

But now they realised they were in danger - a man named Tukaram Mundhe had hit town. And he was raiding Bombay's eateries, restaurants, road side café, bars, restopubs, clubs, five stars, ice cream parlours, snack joints.

What upset them, was his focus seemed to be South Bombay - why was he messing with their neighbourhood, their neck of the woods. "Look we aren't ‘dirty creatures' much like many of the foragers making a nuisance of themselves."

He had raided 1200 places and revoked food licences of their favourite hangouts, their respected clubs. Ratatouille loved his afternooon nap on the planters chair, after a hearty meal. He wished to ask Mundhe, "Why are your raids mostly in our ‘illaka'…you had so many places you could have raided, in Chinchpokli and Chembur and Charkop, why you have to come to our two clubs. Arrey, all our favourite dishes, chutney sandwiches and eggs kejriwal, and akuri and mutton samosas, now where we'll get?"

As they fled SoBo, Ratatouille got a message from Pixar Entertainment. He said, "Oh wow, they want to make an animation series ‘Lady Rat-an and Ratatoiulle', what do you think?"

"Na na na na, Lord Rastogi, our lives cannot be captured by a mere animation film, na na na that's too childish. Also I feel, our profession as professional food tasters may have run its course, how much can we keep running from Mundhe. Wherever we go he will chase us, even when we move out of Maharasthtra, there will another Mundhe from the FDA. I want to eat in peace. No animation, Lord Ratatouille, I want real actors to play us. I want a Christopher Nolan movie …about two superhero rats. If bats were the mammal of choice in Batman, I want a superhero Ratman, who uses rats as a symbol of fear and vengeance. Nothing more, nothing less. Like Batman had Robin, Ratman has a female assistant, Mousse. She's sultry and sexy like Cat Woman."

Ratatouille said, "Good idea, let's suggest to Chris, he can call the film, ‘Ratman and Mousse - the Odyssey Begins'."

Rahul daCunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, filmmaker and traveller. Reach him at rahul.dacunha@mid-day.com