It's time... Come be the men we need

Students and activists during a protest demanding stricter measures for women’s safety outside the YMCA Tourist Hostel in New Delhi. PIC/PTI

Women in India are seething. From the sexual assault of a 15-year-old girl headed home on a bike with a boy in Bihar's Jamui, to the Astha Kunj gang rape of a 17-year-old sitting in a South Delhi park surrounded by temples, to the violent protest that broke out in a Punjab university after allegations of a student's rape on campus - all within days of each other - it was a series of systemic and societal failures. And yet, once again the burden of safety has fallen on women.

Immediately, scrutiny fell on the survivors first: why were they out, who were they with, what were they doing. The next step in the formula, inevitably, was to shrink public spaces even further for women. Like clockwork, the Delhi Police restricted entry to public parks after 7 pm. Lady Shri Ram College, which is just 2 km away from Astha Kunj, took its classes online so its students would not have to step out.

Women in Delhi protesting unsafe conditions. PIC/PTI

Instead, women are stepping out in droves to protest. Women in Delhi and Jamui have been backed by thousands of others in the country, marching after dark with the same demand: make public spaces safer rather than make women disappear from them. Some of the slogans have taken on a life of their own, expressing female wrath in catchy phrases: "Ek kachori do samosa, in mardo ka kya bharosa" or "Tod ke rakhdo woh samaj, naari jis mein bandhi hai aaj".

And it's not just "naaris" who are out protesting; visuals of young men helping women during the marches, a few even putting themselves between the police and their women friends, has been heartening to see. But for every man standing shoulder to shoulder with women, there are hundreds more spreading vitriol and misogyny on their keyboards.

An iconic image of women's resistance at Delhi. PIC/INSTAGRAM@anushree_bisht12

The really toxic narrative online is that women are man-haters. "They are cheaters, they deserve it", or "they need to stay at home". Another take is "Men are not involved in feminist movements", or "They are busy hating us instead of talking to us".

We speak to organisations headed by both men and women who have been proving this misconception wrong for decades, and have dedicated their lives to bridging the gap between the sexes. And guess what? Young boys and men are actually listening.

‘Always worked with men'

Dr Manisha Gupte, gender justic activist, says that while feminism has always seen participation from men, it's not women's responsibility to get men to participate

Dr Manisha Gupte is the co-convenor of Mahila Sarvangeen Utkarsh Mandal (MASUM) from Pune. We ask her about her thoughts on the rhetoric - mostly spearheaded by men - that women feminists do not include men in large-scale dialogue. She has a lot to say, "Personally, I have never worked in women-only spaces. We work with men in rural communities all the time, right from their early childhood. Having said that, is it really the responsibility of women to create space for men in the movement against the patriarchy, when men control almost every conceivable space in society?

Street Plays by MAVA helps educate young men about gender justice

Should men not give up their entitlement of being the head of the household, denounce their exclusive ownership over women, children and assets, or desist from appropriating power outside the home before aligning with the women's movement for gender justice and equality?" she asks.

Gupte feels solidarity doesn't mean saying "Not All Men". "The "Not All Men" campaign, which posits ‘good' men as not being perpetrators cannot gain credibility unless men publicly distance themselves from and expose violent men or sexual predators," she adds.

Gupte believes that behaviours are learnt at a young age. "Young boys are raised to become violent men inside the home. Our experiences of working with rural children has had positive outcomes in terms of shared household chores by boys and girls, and adolescent boys challenging bullies and molestOrs. Working with young married couples has also created better communication," she says. At the age of 70, Gupte is one of the few feminists who can give history and context. She reiterates that feminist spaces are hard earned.

"Five decades ago, when the autonomous women's movement was gaining strength, there was hardly any space for women to speak about sexual assault. Now, younger women, activists, and feminists are speaking out, not only about violence by strangers and family members but also by men from the social sector. Queer feminists are challenging the structural violence perpetuated by cis-heteronormativity. These are welcome changes," she says.

Women protest after the South Delhi rape. PIC/PTI

As far as if this is a new wave of feminism that we are standing at the precipice of? She answers not only the question but what each wave often does. "Feminisms adapt to the changing nature of private and public patriarchies. We should support each new wave that challenges gender inequality because it enlightens us about forms of discrimination that we hadn't noticed or addressed earlier," she says.

Men should realise they are only allies reiterates, "Men must remain allies, but not leaders of the gender justice movement. In order to become genuine allies, they must refuse the undue entitlements accrued to them at birth, both in the public and private domains," she adds.

She emphasised that men cannot be painted with one brush. "Men are not a homogeneous category. Those subordinated through caste, class, gender, sexuality, religious belief, or disability do not have the same power, nor do they enjoy the impunity that powerful men have. They, as well as queer and trans people who face the worst brunt of patriarchy could be our potential allies.

Leadership for gender justice must necessarily remain with those who are excluded, marginalised, and subordinated. We also should have the courage to unlearn what we have been taught since childhood in order to attain freedom and equality at all levels," she adds.

Teen love is not the problem

Jamui Assault What can teens possibly have to gain from dating? Love, support, and confidence, says a 13-year-old who's dating her classmate under the safe gaze of her mom

After the Jamui assault, initially there was a lot of noise online about why a 15-year-old was out with a boy, and how that was not "safe" or part of "our culture". And yet, as a mob of men assaulted and groped the survivor under the pretext of "moral policing", it was her teenaged friend who stuck by her and refused to let her out of his sight.

Jamui was an extreme case, but even in metro cities like Mumbai, teen love is not looked upon kindly by society, which predictably directs its reproach at young girls. We speak to a 13-year-old in Mumbai to learn how she navigates her relationship with a classmate.

Young girls are some of the easiest targets for assault, as we saw in Jamui, Bihar. PIC/ISTOCK

Radhika's mom, Surbhi (names changed) vets us first before she agrees to connect us to the teenager. We understand. A common friend had already told us how fiercely protective Surbhi is of her daughter, standing up for her 13-year-old who was caught "pressing" hands with her boyfriend in school during recess. Surbhi was called by a school representative but momma bear was ready.

"The school officials said they [Radhika and her boyfriend] were pressing hands and that they spend recess together every day. They had called her in and reprimanded her; the minute they mentioned that, I lost it. I asked how dare they take my child out and talk to her as if she has done something bad. They were stunned, to say the least," Surbhi laughs.

Surbhi says that she has always maintained an open dialogue with her daughter, and is always in the know about Radhika's boyfriends. When Surbhi finally passes the phone to Radhika, we ask her what she thinks about her friends or school authorities treating her badly due to her relationship. She nonchalantly says, "It's okay. Like, it's understandable. I stay away from him in school so it doesn't cause a lot of trouble. But it doesn't matter to me; as long as my parents support me, I don't really care."

We ask if her friends are equally open with their parents? "Some of them are okay. But some have really strict parents, so they're really good at lying," she says. For this clever girl, the best thing about being in a relationship is "I can always talk to someone. If I don't want to tell my parents something, I can always text him or I can call him."

When we ask her if she has realised something about herself in the last year since she has been dating her boyfriend, she says, "It made me realise that people can be scared of me. Like, you know, he gets scared whenever I'm mad at him," she adds. We can hear Surbhi laughing in the background.

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Locations in Mumbai where women marched on Friday in solidarity with the sexual assault survivors

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Age of the girl assaulted at Jamui, sparking protests

‘Stop giving the mic to toxic men'

Journalist Sanyukta Dharmadhikari flags how content creators give a platform to problematic views, such as victim-shaming, just for clout

INDEPENDENT journalist Sanyukta Dharmadhikari (@dramadhikari) pointed out how several content creators who comment on current affairs and giving a platform to people with views such as victim-blaming in the Jamui assault and the Cornell University rape in the US. She says stop giving the mic to everyone with regressive views.

Sanyukta Dharmadhikari

"We need to understand that there are some content creators who are just doing it for the views that they will get from these rage bait interviews," she says. "We need to ask them why they are giving platform to such men. One man keeps saying he is Savarna said modesty is important in his culture, but the interviewer never asks him the role of men in these crimes," she adds.

‘Gender activism is just as much about men'

Pravin Thote is a senior gender trainer who works on changing men's perception of gender violence

Pravin Thote, a Bhandara native, has been working in the gender space in Mumbai for over a decade. Thote is a Project Coordinator with MAVA, and conducts sessions with Vacha and Smile Foundation who facilitates conversations with adult men above the age of 35 as well as adolescent boys in the 10 - 14 age group.

"The problem is that when we talk about gender, everyone thinks that it is only a matter of women. Even now, the funders think that gender programmes only work with women. The traditional approach is to empower them economically, teach them civil defence classes so that they can defend themselves," he says.

Pravin Thote during a gender sensitisation workshop

Things changed with Nirbhaya, "In 2012, we started talking about working with men. But we got very little response. Colleges were not open to speak about men's role. But because MAVA had been working with men for a long time, we were able to make some headway. The conversation about working with young boys really gained momentum post-COVID and the web series, Adolescence (2025)," he adds.

The web series made waves with its themes of toxic masculinity and the manosphere, and gave activists a way in. "That series helped us build a conversation. Why are boys so violent in this age of adolescence? One of the key reasons was that the digital platform has changed very rapidly," he says.

He works with three different age groups: boys aged 10 to 14, college students, and men above 45. "We talk to each group differently. With those above 45, I ask them about the pressure of being a man. If I were to suddenly tell them that they are violent, or that they are criminals, I'd lose them," he says.

With those above 35, it's a different challenge. "Here, we work specifically with intersectional communities. The men work in hard labour. In my first two sessions, I talked about the pressure. I asked them, ‘When did you last cry?' ‘Did you hug your father?' These are all migrant workers who haven't been around family for years. They often say they don't have a relationship with their fathers at all. Many say they cried only when their daughter got married or their mother passed away," he says.

The work is slow but rewarding: "We talk about what is ‘natural' and what is ‘gender'. We show them some films like Juice (2017) and Natkat (2020) and have conversations to identify what gender violence can look like," he adds.

For the group of pre-pubescent and pubescent boys, grabbing and keeping their attention is the challenge. "Their attention span is very short, so we have to do a lot of activities and games," he says. In one of the games, "We ask questions about violence, such as is it okay to break a traffic rule? They say it's acceptable when you are in a hurry. What about throwing stones at a dog?

They say that is not acceptable because even animals feel sad. Then the next question is, is teasing girls okay or not? They say, it is violence and not accepted. But when we frame it as misbehaving with their mother, sister, or sometimes their partner or female friend, they say, ‘But Sir, the girl spoke like this, so I responded like this'," he adds.

"Going forward, there should be some form of regulation a social media ban for youths," he says, "But also we need more engagement with young men and boys, otherwise it is just going to get worse."

‘Catch 'em young'

Vacha spokesperson

"Over the past few years, Vacha has also expanded its work to include boys and young men, acknowledging that they too face challenges. Experience has shown Vacha that empowering girls alone is not enough. The progress a girl makes can often be undermined by gender-based discrimination and violence within her own home and community. Ultimately, creating a gender-equitable society requires both girls and boys, women and men, to be part of the process."

‘Indian men refused to be a part of the feminist movement in the 70s'

Harish Sadani, founder of Men Against Violence & Abuse, says times are changing and many men want to be part of the revolution now

Harish Sadani has been in the gender space for decades, even back when it wasn't popular to collaborate with women feminists. Having co-founded Men Against Violence & Abuse (MAVA) 34 years ago.

"During the autonomous women's movement in the '70s, attempts were made to engage men, but were met with very bitter experiences. Women's rights activists, academicians found that it was nearly impossible to involve men, so they chose to focus on women," he says. But this strategy has to be re-evaluated, feels Sadani, "For men, attitude is a part of the problem. They don't want to touch it [the cause], because of the fear they'll lose their privileges. At the same time, there is a large section of men, especially young men and adolescent boys, who could be potential supporters. But the effort to make that connection with them and engaging long-term is not happening as much as is needed," he adds.

Harish Sadani

He feels there few reservations in engagement with men among many women's groups. Not all, though, he stresses. He mentions Manisha Gupte, a veteran feminist from Pune. "She is a stalwart in gender justice movement. And she has expressed, ‘For several years, we have worked for the women's movement. But now we should pause and listen to people like Harish as to what strategies work or don't work regarding male-engagement on gender-related matters'," he says.

Periodic gender sensitisation workshops are held. "Here, when girls start talking about what according to them is their idea of a man, young men in these workshops are taking a pause, listening, and they are responding. It's a small number but they are there," he adds.