Dr Love with Mid-Day: My mom is ruining my relationship!

Illustration/Uday Mohite

My mother is a very overbearing person, and I don't know how to manage a relationship given her inability to stop interfering with my life. She wants to comment on everything I do with my partner, and it gets so bad sometimes that we decide not to tell her about our plans. He thinks I should speak to her about this because I need to establish boundaries, but I can't hurt her feelings even though I know this is hurting me. He says this relationship won't last if she continues to try and get her way with everything and I agree with him, but I don't know what to do. How do I choose between my partner and a parent? I am confused and worried about what might happen in the future. What should I do?
You aren't choosing between a partner and a parent; you're simply choosing yourself and your life. Everyone is entitled to an opinion, but you alone are in charge of your present, your future, and your priorities. It's not about placing one person above the other as much as it is about making sure you are allowed to be a daughter as well as a partner. Your relationship with both people is important and will require you to evaluate what you need and how you communicate this. It's important to keep in mind that both people have your best interests at heart, so the question of hurting one or the other shouldn't arise if you can explain why their actions are causing you pain. Speak to your mother about what is bothering you, point out that as an adult you are entitled to your space and the ability to make decisions, and push back gently or reiterate the message until it gets through and changes the dynamic of this relationship. Your partner's concerns also need to be addressed because this affects your future with him. Keep him informed about your conversations with your mother and ask for more time while you resolve this.

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