Dr love with mid-day: Why do I find it so hard to trust?

Illustration/Uday Mohite

I have been accused of being too defensive as a person and this gets in the way of forging strong relationships. I date a lot and have been with people for five or six months, but this never deepens into anything substantial because they think I prevent them from getting close. I know I am secretive, but this is because I don't want to get hurt. If I let someone know too much about me, they may use that information to harm me, and I can't let that happen because I am a sensitive person. I don't want to be this way but can't figure out how to drop my guard. What can I do?
If you're aware of who you are and want to change this aspect of your personality, it may help to take things slowly and sit with the feelings you have. There's nothing wrong with personal boundaries and you're right that people can misuse information and cause you pain, but that is part of the human condition, and all relationships come with that risk. To let someone into one's life is an act of vulnerability upon which trust can be built. Without that, relationships will stagnate because two people have to be honest with each other for them to have a future. It's why you appear to hit a wall after a few months. Once you accept that and tell yourself that it's okay to get hurt, you may be able to find someone you are willing to take this risk with. It's not going to be easy but, with time, your approach to relationships will change if you are honest about what you want and what you are prepared to do to get to that stage. Finding the right partner is also critical but this can be easier if you open yourself up to conversations about why you are defensive, what you worry about, and what you think might happen. Sometimes, it's just a question of meeting someone who can ease your fears.

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