Girlfriend won’t talk about past

Illustration/Uday Mohite

My girlfriend and I have been together for over three years, but we still haven't gone on a holiday together because she is anxious about going away with me. There is no logical explanation for this, but she says it triggers anxiety in her because of something that happened in her childhood. She doesn't talk about it, and I have stopped trying to convince her because there is no use, but this bothers me a lot because it implies that she doesn't trust me enough. We have been talking about moving to a more serious stage, but this doesn't make sense for me because it feels as if she isn't going to let me into her life completely. How do I commit to a long-term relationship when she doesn't even confide in me or be honest about what she is going through? How can we evolve as a couple if she will always refuse to go on holiday together? I don't know what to do.
Trauma isn't as easy to understand or accept as you think it is. If she isn't comfortable talking about it, this doesn't reflect an inability to trust as much as it suggests an inability to process what has happened. She wants to be with you and has made that clear. She wants to work things out and will presumably not consider a long-term relationship where the two of you never go on holiday together. This isn't something you can fix on your own, and it is obvious that she doesn't have the tools yet either. For now, all you can and must do is be supportive, and give her the time and space she needs to be comfortable enough to open up. Talk about therapy, because it can do a world of good for her as well as your relationship. Also, think about the future based upon how important she is in your life, how you feel about her absence in the years to come, and how you feel going on without her.

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