BoloNaVirus (BoNaV)

Updated: Feb 09, 2020, 07:44 IST | Rahul da Cunha | Mumbai

The simplest form is the SochaNahinVirus (SoNaV). This virus is the weakest in strength. It is incurable, but still the weakest

Illustration/Uday Mohite
Illustration/Uday Mohite

Rahul da CunhaOver the last two weeks, we've been afflicted by a phenomenon called the BoloNahinVirus shortened to BoloNaVirus (BoNaV). The BoNaV are a large family of viruses whose 'victims' spread symptoms ranging from minor irritation to widespread hate. The patients of BoloNaVirus are not ever bedridden or hospitalised—but show a particular proclivity to ascending a stage and giving a speech or a soundbyte or a sermon. BoloNaViruses are not 'zoonotic', meaning they are not transmitted between animals and people. But, instead, are contagious or 'foolnotic' in that they are transferred only among those particular people afflicted with BoloNaVirus. The aim of the BoloNahinViruses is to infect as many people as possible. You can identify people with such viruses when the 'patients' utter inanities, senseless comments, historical irregularities or under-the belt insults. When taken to task, they claim misquotation or political conspiracies. The BoNaV virus has three basic types.

The simplest form is the SochaNahinVirus (SoNaV). This virus is the weakest in strength. It is incurable, but still the weakest. The virus seeks attention, its five minutes of fame. No thought goes into how it manifests itself, it just mindlessly speaks. A person afflicted with the SoNaV may make comments like, "Tigers must be punished for eating cows."

The second type of BoNaV is the Daronavirus or DaroNaVirus (DaNaV). This is a particularly insidious strain, but it is two sided. When it initially manifests itself, it is ultra aggressive, alpha male-like. It seeks to cause extreme fear, but when opposed, stood up to or counter-attacked, it hastily retreats back into itself with total panic. In short, it is a virus that is not used to being talked back to. A bully virus, so to speak.

Finally, there's the mother of all strains, perhaps the most extremely violent kind of BoNaV—Maaronavirus or MaaroNaVirus (MaNaV). In this breed of virus, the bacteria has been inside the person's system for a long time, undetected. It has been growing and festering, like in the inside of a volcano. It hasn't had a chance to be emitted, because the environment has not been conducive, but when the MaaroNaVirus fully forms, it is truly venomous. It realises that many of its brethren have formed simultaneously, and so when the time is right to 'explode', it emits itself in a truly inflammatory manner. People suffering from the MaaroNaVirus use words like 'Goli', 'Gadaaron' and Mughal Rule in 2020. (This virus contaminates the air for five-year periods).

In the various BoNaVs, common signs of infection usually include vocal symptoms like snide comments, and sloganeering. In more severe cases, infection can cause a permanent scowl and loud shouting.

Standard recommendations to prevent the intake of the infection spread include covering mouth and nose. Avoid close contact with anyone showing symptoms of BoNaV such as shouting, sneering, even hand gestures and finger pointing.

Reports have come in, a new virus has been discovered that doctors feel may eradicate the BoNaV.

It's called CAA.

Rahul daCunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at rahul.dacunha@mid-day.com

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