Lobo Lobo and the lockdown

Updated: May 10, 2020, 07:59 IST | Rahul da Cunha | Mumbai

'And risky! Anyway. How are things generally? You've lost weight, what's wrong?' I asked.

Illustration/Uday Mohite
Illustration/Uday Mohite

Rahul daCunhaLobo Lobo came over last Monday, carrying many cartons of alcohol.

"Lobo Lobo, you know there's a lockdown, what are you doing?" I asked.

"Dikuna men, de BMC has agreed to the opening of liquor stores, so I decided to buy lots and lots of booze before dey close once again. I left my house early, and bought one bottle per store from Virar to VT men. I have totally purchased 20 whiskies, 10 vodkas, tirty Old Monks and many beers from 414 shops!" he proclaimed proudly.

"How did you escape all the nakabandis?

"It was easy, Boss! On top of each carton, I packed some set-top boxes, and told de cops dat all de ministers in Mantralaya needed new cable connections to watch reruns of Ramayana and Mahabaratha. Clever no?"

"And risky! Anyway. How are things generally? You've lost weight, what's wrong?" I asked.

"Wot to say? I'm toh jacked men. See fust tings fust. We were observing Lent, so I was fasting, like I normally do. No bleddy beef or booze, chhe! But, just wen I tought, now 'majha begins', just before Easter, de blasted virus struck! Now we are not getting any poke, or beef or mutton or fish. No sorpotel or vindaloo. Only bleddy chicken, which no self-respecting catlick eats men. Chhe! Dis Lent followed by lockdown is solid 'pakaoing' men! Even Christ our Lord, if he had predicted dat Lent was going to be followed by a lockdown, he would have said, 'My children forget fasting for me. For now eat, drink and be happy'."

"How about veggies, greens, sprouts, salads? Time to eat healthy, Lobo Lobo..."

"Arre Mr Rahul. I love bhindi and bhaingan. But, my better half, can't cook veggies for nuts. She actually argues dat tings like 'rajma' is bad for you, bloats your tummy! Wot to argue wid her men?"

"So, Lobo Lobo, you came all the way to my house for a reason right? Are you planning to sell me some whiskey, or are you lonely, feeling isolated, stuck in a cage-like existence?"

Lobo Lobo answered, gobsmacked, "Wot wot high funda tings you are aksing me men? Are you ok? I'm talking about technology men. I'm toh lost handling all dis stuff, wot is a Zoom call, can you tell me?"

"Uhm… who do you wish to communicate with?", I attempted to answer.

"My bleddy building society wants to have a Zoom party… Dese blighters all want to sit in frent of dere phones or laptops and drink and do blinking 'gupshup'. My tird floe padosi, de President Danesh Jhujunwalla, tells me dat he is a teetoteller but I know he is a 'boozard', chhe! And de treasurer, Champak Dudani is a foren returned smuggler. All want to drink men, chhe wastrels!"

"But, Lobo Lobo can you explain why you have bought so much alcohol?"

"Arrey men, de way tings are going, dis lockdown will end in 2021. Better be ready na Dikuna men? Who knows wen shops will reopen?"

Rahul daCunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at rahul.dacunha@mid-day.com

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