"Chalo chalo Dikuna men, I've not come here for just some PC, I have sumting to announce to you."
Illustration/Uday Mohite
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So, Lobo Lobo walked into my abode and said excitedly, "Hey Dikuna men"—this was followed by a series of vociferous random hand gestures—a bit like a drunken Bruce Lee.
"Uhm uh, hi Lobo Lobo…," I answered, somewhat confused by his martial arts attitude.
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"Chalo chalo Dikuna men, I've not come here for just some PC, I have sumting to announce to you."
'Ok Lobo Lobo, what is this important announcement…?"
"I want to tok to you about de proposal to make Hindi (pronounced like 'windy') becoming de main language of de nation…!"
I was confused—"But the 'suggestion' of Hindi being our national language was quickly amended after the Twitter backlash—they've backtracked to say it could be the second 'bhasha' after one's mother tongue. So Theo, where's the argument, that's quite fair, yes?"
"Shurrrrrup men, wot wot rubbish you're speaking… my first language is English, as you can tell, the second is Konkani. My tird one is Marathi, since we live in Maharashtra. At de most, Hindi can become my fift language!"
"Fifth... why fifth… why not fourth, following English, Konkani, and Marathi?" I asked genuinely perplexed.
"Because, Dikuna men, like Isaac Newton determined de Teory of Relativity and Albert Einsten discovered de Laws of Gravity, I'm inventing a new dialect men."
"A new dialect. Wow!"
"Yes, a new dialect," Lobo Lobo said proudly.
"Is it a new language like Pig Latin… or like, say, a nonsense one like 'Gibberish'?"
"No men Mr Rahul. Dis is a language dat will be understood anywhere in de world, men. From Kashmir to Kalyan and from Kowloon to Kuala Lumpur."
"What's it called, Lobo Lobo?"
"It's called Howdy, men. My new language is to be called 'Howdy'!"
"Howdy, what kind of language is that?"
Lobo Lobo took a dramatic pause. His voice went soft. He looked around to see if anyone was listening, then whispered—"Dikuna men, 'Howdy' is a wordless language… no words are required. Only gestures, che. Gestures dat are bot big and small. So, if I go to North Korea, and want to ask dat fellow Kim Jung, wot wot are his plans for de nuclear bomb, I will outstretch my arms like de cricket umpires signal a sixer, and den bring dem down to my hips, to mean 'big explosion'. If I want to tell dat Imran Khan blighter dat we've had enough of his big talk, I will put my finger on my lips, den suggest a cricket ball in my hand. Dis will translate as, 'Just please shut your gob and play cricket instead!'"
"'Howdy' also allows you to use objects to illustrate your point—I would meet Piyush Goel and trow an apple in the air!"
I took a moment to soak all this in. Lobo Lobo continued. "And finally, Dikuna men, I will also have my own cartoon emojis… little animated characters dat indicate different different expressions and gestures."
"What will you call them?" I enquired.
"They will be named—Lobojis," he concluded.
Rahul daCunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at rahuldacunha62@gmail.com
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