Why getting married takes training at a workshop

Marriages are made in heaven but endured on earth. On the eve of a workshop that aims to help you prepare for coupledom, iTALK gets counsellor Jaya Aiyappa to dispel the happily-ever-after myth

In her 10 year-long experience as marriage counsellor and sex educator, Jaya Aiyappa has realised that advances in education haven't changed the way marriages are made in India. "They still plan with horoscopes, family trees and pay slips in mind," she says.

And rising divorce rates are a perfect indicator of the ineffectiveness of the current system. Marriage is the coming together of two personalities, with differing values, experiences and attitudes. These differences can add mystery and excitement, or pull the relationship down.

This perennial challenge was the trigger for a workshop she held last year, with various experts at the Women Graduates Union. This year, she is doing an encore, after realising that there's a desperate need for pre-marital counselling.

Social activist and counsellor Neeta Pradhan will discuss conjugal psycho-social issues, legal offices Aileen Marques from Lawyer's Collective will talk legal matters, Aiyappa will discuss sex and intimacy, while HR College of Commerce & Economics professor Sapna Malya will enlighten participants on financial aspects.

"How is someone who has never handled accounts going to understand budgeting and saving?" is a question Aiyappa asks, and believes is reason enough for to-be couples, to drop by. The importance of getting your union registered, adjusting with in-laws and moving house are some of the issues the half day-long workshop hopes to address.

But the team agrees that the issue of intimacy is by far the most important. Aiyappa quotes David Reuben, author of How to Get the Most Out of Sex: "If sex is right, then everything is right. If sex is wrong, then nothing else can be right."

I'm determined to make the marriage work; I'll do whatever it takes.u00a0
- Amrita Arora, Bollywood actress on her recent marriage with entrepreneur Shakeel Ladakh

Facts VS Fiction
Aiyappa decodes myths about sex and intimacy, that she's seen break up a marriage or two:
Myth: The woman has to bleed on the wedding night. If she doesn't, she is not a virgin.
Fact: This "purity" myth has destroyed many marriages. The hymen could be elastic or absent or may not get ruptured for some reason. The hymen may also have ruptured in childhood while practising a sport or exercising.
Myth: Married couples have less satisfying sex lives, and less frequent sex, than single people.
Fact: According to large-scale national studies, married people have both, more and better sex than their unmarried counterparts. Not only do they have sex more often, they also enjoy it more, both, physically and emotionally.

What the famous say about marriage
JRR Tolkien, Author
Nearly all marriages, even happy ones, are mistakes: in the sense that almost certainly (in a more perfect world, or even with a little more care in this very imperfect one) both partners might have found more suitable mates. But the real soul-mate is the one you are actually married to.

How the famous make marriage work
Amitabh and Jaya Bachchan
"No two people are the same but the idea of marriage is to come together and understand each other." The couple believe in poet Harivansh Rai Bachchan's line: 'Man ka ho to achcha, na ho toh zyada achcha'.
Shahrukh and Gauri Khan
According to the Khans, the glue that keeps a marriage together is the ability to "let each other be". Trying to force anything habits, friends, likes and dislikes on your partner will only make him/her feel suffocated. Live and let live is their mantra. Gauri adds: "A marriage works if it has to, despite and in spite of the profession."