If you and this guy clicked when you met, it's tempting to leap into the future mentally u2014 could he be The One? Stop right there and rein in your expectations or you won't have fun.
If you and this guy clicked when you met, it's tempting to leap into the future mentally u2014 could he be The One? Stop right there and rein in your expectations or you won't have fun.
"If you place too much importance on the encounter, you'll spend the whole evening evaluating how it's going and stressing about whether you'll see him again," explains Sheenah Hankin, PhD, psychotherapist in New York and author of Complete Confidence. "This prevents you from fully experiencing what's happening in the present." That also means you're not as engaged u2014 or engaging u2014 as you could be.
Remind yourself that it's only one evening, and then just relax and let go. "A first date is an experiment," says Tiger. "Adopt the laissez-faire attitude that it might work out or it might not." And, hey, even if the sparks ultimately aren't there, the night's not a wash. You'll probably come away with new insight or an interesting story to add to your repertoire.
It goes without saying (doesn't it?) that this does not mean telling him about the weird conversation you had with your ex last week or divulging that you're PMSing. But if you talk to a guy with the same unguarded ease you have when chatting with a pal, you'll loosen up and things will flow better. "It ensures the date won't seem like a job interview," adds Hankin. So recount a funny moment that happened at work earlier in the day or describe a crazy experience that a friend of yours recently went through with an ex-boyfriend.
We naturally trust and feel closer to people who are open, according to Hankin. She suggests trying a technique called negative revelation: Research has shown that disclosing a minor weakness of yours (that you have a fear of heights, for example) makes others like you and feel comfortable around you because they see you as more human.
You could even admit, lightly, to getting a little nervous on first dates. Putting it out there helps him identify with you, diminishes any awkwardness, and u2014 strangely enough u2014 makes you seem more confident because you're not afraid to cop to it.
Not only are those so-called rules the opposite of fun (and isn't having fun the point here?), but they also can end up backfiring. Who wants to seem stiff or eager to please because you're following some lame set of guidelines rather than just being yourself, which u2014 trust us u2014 is always more appealing than any script.
"The best strategy for a great first date is to go into it with the goal of simply enjoying yourself, instead of harboring an agenda to win him over," says Lionel Tiger, PhD, Charles Darwin professor of anthropology at Rutgers University and author of The Decline of Males. "That way, you'll also come across as tenacious and carefree, which are intrinsically attractive qualities."
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