Experts suggest how to make it work with your ex in the second innings

Are you one of those who canrsquot say for sure if Ross and Rachel were on a break While fans and wellwishers of the TV sitcom couple would have wished for some positive confusion not all couples split on ambiguous terms Several hearts broke when singer and actor Jennifer Lopez and Argo actor Ben Affleck split nearly 20 years ago Who thinks of a twodecade gap as timeoff But as life would have it Lopez and Affleck dropped hints of getting back together with cuddly pictures on social media in 2021 Recently they got engaged With the duo paving the way for their happy journey we invite citybased relationship therapists to understand the pitfalls and potential opportunities in pursuing a second innings with your exChalk out a planPsychological counsellor Dr Pradnya J Ajinkya feels observers and support systems should understand that when two people part ways their subjective visions of life differ ldquoThey grow over the months and years they have spent in aloofness Humans change over time we do not know if such changes are always for the better But keeping all of that in mind when a couple approaches me with their wish to get back together I am neither shocked nor elated It is a situation that needs to be embraced after weighing the pros and consrdquo Ajinkya points out She continues ldquoFirstly said partners need to ask themselves if they remember the troubles they have faced once and if the suffering was more after they went their separate ways Friends and family who have witnessed their shared history have a role to play Their opinions matter especially because someone is planning to get back with a person they havenrsquot seen in yearsrdquo A new start to an old alliance can reap sweet fruits she clarifies but only through sincere effortsgtgt Seek professional help A regular confidante wonrsquot have the patience of a counsellor Therersquos no harm in asking for professional helpgtgt Wilful commitment Partners should not move in together on a whim They must chalk out a plan with a therapistrsquos help They can meet outside or talk more frequently Or they can decide to meet at the same place at a given time over a mutually decided span If both partners remember to show up repeatedly itrsquos a sign of their willingness to work hard for a longterm commitmentDr Pradnya Ajinkyagtgt Belted in place Therersquos no point in sweeping the bad part under the carpet Face it and devise ways to keep the second innings of a relationship belted in place However in cases of substance abuse violence or an unrevealed lifethreatening disease the course to rebuild is not as simplegtgt One size doesnrsquot fit all People vary their circumstances vary and so do their solutions to any given problem Ajinkya recalls a case where the husband had suppressed his illness from his wife Although an arranged match the wife in question had grown an emotional intimacy with her partner but she couldnrsquot stop feeling cheated The doctor mentions that even though itrsquos a tough call in such cases patching up is not practicalDonrsquot forget the pastWhile new beginnings are always welcome two parties in a relationship ought to be aware of their history says marriage therapist and clinical psychologist Tejas Shah Before wanting to reunite they should take stock of the time they have spent in separation Were they able to reflect on what happened Were they able to know themselves better Were they able to get therapy for a deepseated absence of comfort or security in childhood that gets reflected in their adult relationships Also a mental health professional will always advise against getting back together if the former association involved violence abuse legal matters involving a childrsquos custody and so on If two consenting adults decide to give it a second shot they should know that both parties have to come to a middle groundTejas ShahDespite differences partners should be able to trust one another and communicate respectfully Lastly donrsquot put all your eggs in one basket List out your expectations from a bond then see if some of them can be fulfilled outside of that one romantic link If not it is too much pressure on just one personDown with dividesRepresentational picSimran S a 30yearold entrepreneur in the city was barely in touch with his former girlfriend for two odd years ldquoAlthough we liked each other we drifted apart due to our family backgrounds She had once hinted that her family might not accept our union because of our inborn cultural differences In those two years we would exchange only courteous wishes on birthdays But taking time off helped us brace for the impact of societal divides and now we are happily marriedrdquo Rachna S his wife notes that the support couples receive from their extended families can contribute in building a healthy and longstanding marriage ldquoThankfully we have been able to win it Marriages require effort and to keep at it we seek each otherrsquos company in activities we both enjoyrdquo Simran adds Taking charge of their happiness the couple goes to the cinema spends quality time and travels to catch a break from monotony