How to

Sandhya Mridul

Hi Sandhya,
I've been seeing my 31 year-old boyfriend for three years. I'm 28 and come from a conservative family that is going to be very upset when they find out that their Tam Bram girl is dating a Bihari. He does well for himself, and so do I. My parents have been pushing for me to get married for the past two years, but I've been holding out for the right time to tell them about him.

The trouble is he doesn't seem interested in getting married at all, which is making life very difficult. I'm prepared to slug it out with my parents, but his lack of commitment to the idea of marriage is putting me in a difficult position. He doesn't say he doesn't want to get married but he needs his space and time to think about it and make a decision. Trouble is, I don't have time to give him anymore. We really need to decide, but I don't want to lose him either..it's a great relationship otherwise. He's commitment phobic, but I know he loves me. What should I do?
Thanks,
Girl in Love

Dear GIL,
I'm unclear -- do YOU want to get married or is it just your parents you are concerned about? In the answer lies the solution. If you want to get married then you need to figure if you can give him the time and space he requires to commit. You cannot and must not force anyone to get married if they are not ready. That could only result in complications and possibly a messy marriage which I'm sure you don't want.

You say you have a good relationship, then why spoil it? But give him a time frame since you are a woman and might want to have kids, and age unfortunately plays a part in that. Chat with him and tell him how you feel and what your concerns are. If you say it's a good relationship, I'm sure you can have a healthy conversation and get some clarity there.

If it's your parents who want you to get married more than you do, it's them you need to chat with. Come clean, tell them about the man you love. Tell them you need time and understanding. This lying and hiding will only cause you stress and add pressure to the relationship. Be brave, take the chance and appeal to them without being aggressive. Appeal to them to stand by you and your relationship. Tell them it's important to you and that you can't be happy without their blessings. That works with most parents :) But before talking to anybody, have a chat with yourself and figure what you really want.