Twitter has indicated this - us bloodthirsty Indians, fresh from losing 44 jawans in Pulwama, demanded that Modiji respond in kind in the unkindest way possible
Illustration/Uday Mohite
So, in India's view, only two people can save India from Pakistan, or vice-versa: Narendra Modi and Vicky Kaushal. Twitter has indicated this — us bloodthirsty Indians, fresh from losing 44 jawans in Pulwama, demanded that Modiji respond in kind in the unkindest way possible. And suggested Vicky Kaushal lead this attack — I mean, he destroyed the Pakis in Uri: The Surgical Strike, right? So, why not send him to avenge Pulwama?
They both swung into action: Modi sabre-rattled, and Kaushal, Rambo-like, put on the greasepaint, waiting for the appropriate time to retaliate. But then Modiji made the cardinal mistake of leaving the decision to the Air Force, and it became an air conflict, and obviously became too expensive for Bollywood to turn into a Hindi movie. (I mean, do you have any idea, dear reader, what it costs to rent an F16 for a day?)
Then the unthinkable happened — a pilot, Abhinandan Varthaman got shot down and was captured — and Bollywood became hopeful; picture baaki hai, they said.
But with diplomatic correctness kicking in, and Immy Khan guaranteeing the safe return of Abhinandan, where's the mazaa, the drama, the conflict in that? Where's the capture, the heroism, the 200-cr box office? Where's the chance to patriotically clap as a Pakistani terrorist's head is blown off in close-up and his brains are scattered all over the 70mm screen of PVR?
Bollywood was deeply distressed.
But, dear reader, obviously, I saved the day. I've created a work of fiction, a guaranteed box office hit.
Even though the title is Abhinandan: A Hero Returns, the movie isn't really about the IAF pilot.
In my story, Abhinandan is captured, but a small guerrilla outfit skydives into Pakistan-occupied Kashmir to save the Tamilian pilot, while running from the Jaish-e-Mohammed. Solid original idea, na?
So who plays Abhinandan, you'll ask? Frankly not much of a role, he will spend most of the time getting rescued and garlanded. We're not looking for a A-lister to play the part: just a guy with a massive Veerappan-type moustache (incidentally, Kamal Haasan, Chiranjeevi and R Mahadevan said no to me).
Obviously, Vicky Kaushal will lead the battalion — (Vicky Kaushal will lead every Bollywood battalion film, made both pre- and post-Lok Sabha elections).
His number two in this escape-drama is the Gully Boy rapper Ranveer Singh. Their third jodidar is Ayushmann Khurrana, with his Andhadhun blindfold. So the enemy thinks he's blind, but actually isn't. Clever, na? And bringing up the rear is Gajraj Rao, fresh from Badhaai Ho! He's obviously older, but has a backstory in which his parents are living in Kashmir, and Ayushmann is his long-lost son.
So, shooting commences tomorrow. A sneak preview, dear reader. Here is the final dialogue before the credits roll.
Vicky Kaushal to Ranveer Singh: "How's the josh?"
Ranveer to Vicky: "Apna time aayega."
Suggesting, dear reader:
a. That there will be a sequel.
b. In which Ranveer could play the battalion leader.
Rahul daCunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at rahuldacunha62
@gmail.com
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