And so, Lobo Lobo, my cable guy came over huffing and puffing last week, "Eh Dikuna, wot wot you tink of dis 'Beti Balchao' campaign, men?"
Illustration/Uday Mohite
And so, Lobo Lobo, my cable guy came over huffing and puffing last week, "Eh Dikuna, wot wot you tink of dis 'Beti Balchao' campaign, men?" "Mr Lobo, balchao is a Goan dish, bachao means 'save' — two different words."
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"Hey hey, Mr Rahul don't get technical. Men, a tiny tot has been raped and killed and you are correcting me? Wot we've come to, our Indian men, can you imagine, terrible, chhe! I don't anymore allow anyone to hug my little Angelina. I don't know dere intentions, how low men have sunk, men! And our leader says nutting about it here, but gives long long bhashans about it in London, chhe, dat rape should not be politicised, like..."
Lobo paused for breath, so I asked, "Is there anything urgent, Theo?" "Need some advice, men. All my blinking children are piling on, men, giving me nightmares wid dere career choices. When I was 18, I had to start working, chhe, I had failed my SSC, ducked my ATKT. My pop had passed away men, so straight I went to work. My daughter Cindy wants to be a TT champ, men.
Dat Manika Batra dame, she's won so many gold medals at de Commonwelt Games, men, now my kid wants to emulate her! She wants me to send her to Thailand for table tennis training. How to afford to send her on my salary?"
"Why not convince her to aspire to be another PV Sindu or Saina Nehwal, and go to Gopichand's academy — Bangalore is so much cheaper than Bangkok." "See Dikuna, I am State Champ in Rounders men." "Rounders?"
"Yeah, Rounders, where you have to hit de ball, den leave de racket on de table, and run to de udder side and den some udder blighter has to hit de ball. Dats Rounders. And she want to excel in Rounders." "I don't know if Rounders is a specialised sport, like '7 Tiles', Carrom or 'Langdi' in the Games, Lobo Lobo." "My children are solid pains men. My son Arsene, is de worst, total duffer, ducked in every class, complete 'harami', has golden streaks in his hair like dat fool Hardik Pandya. I don't know why our Lord gave me dis rascal.
You know wot he tells to me, he says, "Dad, I definitely don't want to be some dish antenna salesman like you, I wanna make quick money and retire by 40. I have it all planned. No goody-goody run of de mill professions for me.
'So wot you want to do, idiot?' I aks him. Bleddy cheek of de boy tells me, 'I wish to be a match-fixer, a cricket match-fixer!' You see, in Virar men, we have our own IPL tournament. Between various suburban teams, the Virar Vikings, the Bhayandhar Badmashes, the Bhandup Challengers, the Kurla Knight Riders and Nalasopara Super Queens (all women's team). He says, "Send me to MICA, dey have specialized courses." "What's MICA?" "Match-Fixing Institute of Controversial Activity — run by Meiyappan and Shilpa Shetty's hubby."
Rahul da Cunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at rahuldacunha62@gmail.com
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