When your best friend dies

Here are some things you donrsquot say to someone who has lost a pet never mind if she was a dog cat or fish lsquoHow old was she Oh thatrsquos a long lifersquo lsquoYou should get another petrsquo lsquoAre you still sad about thatrsquo lsquoCrsquomon itrsquos only a pethelliprsquoShrinkhla Sahai and Sharon DrsquoSouza Pretto call the pain of losing an animal companion disenfranchised grief A grief that society does not understand or recognise and hence holds no space for it ldquoThere isnrsquot enough understanding about pet bereavement socially or culturallyrdquo says Sahai a cultural psychologist based in Delhi ldquoor how much it can affect you Sometimes even the human is not aware of itrdquoPuneresident Namrata Dixit says thankfully her boss was understanding when she requested leave after the passing of her 17yearold pet LeoSahai is foundersecretary of Swayam Foundation that holds support group meetings online periodically for those who have lost a loved one ldquoOne lady who was interested in attending a session asked lsquoI lost my dog five years ago Can I still comersquo I told her of course she can Grief does not adhere to a set timeline which also society finds baffling when it comes to petsrdquoPretto an emotional intelligence facilitator and life coach explains it best ldquoGrief is not linear itrsquos an intangible mess And there are many kinds of grief which society does not recognise Like say that of a neighbour passing away People are surprised that you are still sad over the departure of someone who only lived next to you So animals are a tall orderrdquoMitali Shrotriya a dog behaviourist in Pune lost two senior dogs in quick succession Seen here with Labrador Nick and a sketch of street dog named Jumpy The family took Nickrsquos paw imprint as a keepsakeMitali Shrotriya a dog behaviourist in Pune lost two of her senior dogs down in close succession during the pandemic One a black Labrador called Nick aged 14andahalf years had to be put down due to a series of debilitating and terminal illnesses the other a 16yearold street dog named Jumpy passed away of renal failureldquoMy family and I were at peace with the decision of euthanising Nickrdquo says Shrotriya ldquoHe was old paralysed and had been ill for long We took the decision jointly There was judgment about that One aunt said lsquoYou must be so relieved you donrsquot have to plan your routine around Nick anymore You can do whatever you want go wherever you likehelliprsquo But we were never encumbered The duties were divided among all four of us and we had a reliable boarding place he would go to when we travelledrdquoShrinkhla Sahai is foundersecretary of Swayam Foundation that holds support group meetings online for those who have lost a pet When her Labrador Kaya who worked with her as a therapy dog was battling cancer she told people she was caring for a family member who was terminally illThere was a difference on how her neighbours and family responded to each dogrsquos death related just to the breed ldquoThe day before Nick was euthanised people came to see him brought his favourite food videocalled usrdquo she says ldquoJumpy got onetenth the visitors and fewer calls and sympathy When Nick passed away an adoption coordinator for stray dogs actually said lsquoNext time get an Indie they live longerhelliprdquoPretto cites the case of a person grieving the passing of a rabbit ldquoHer sister said lsquoGood riddancersquo as the rabbit created a lot of mess while some colleagues said ldquoNow you can save money and do what you wantrsquordquoMeenakshi Bhanj Deo a former HR consultant says countries like New Zealand have grievance leave of six to seven days for the death of a pet When her pet of 17 years Simba passed away she says condolence calls and texts petered out after a dayThe kernel at the centre of this indifference is the understanding about what a pet might mean to a person For many increasingly so as fertility rates drop and couples choose not to have children they are childsubstitutes For those living alone in a city away from family they are kin For professionals such as Sahai whose black Labrador Kaya worked with her as a therapy dog they are partners ldquoEven our lawsrdquo says the selfdescribed professionallytrained dog lover Arathi Sen ldquodescribe animals as lsquopropertyrsquo that we own And lsquoownershiprsquo is replaceable transferable Thatrsquos how nonanimal people see itrdquoFor many the relationship with their pet is the primary one in their livesldquoOne client came to me and said she felt invisible after the passing of her dogrdquo says Sahai ldquothough she had a partner and a thriving social life Pets bear witness to so much of our lives especially dogs who are very attuned to the humanrsquos moods movements bodylanguage and facial expressions She was her 14yearold dogrsquos primary handler and caregiver and dogs have a way of making you the centre of their lives and attention To them you are their whole world With this gone she found life disorientingWhen there is no recognition of this relationship there is no acknowledgment of the grief and no space for it Meenakshi Bhanj Deo a former HR consultant says countries like New Zealand have grievance leave of six to seven days for the death of a pet In India too some corporates understand the bondldquoWhen my dog Leo died at 17 I requested my office for leaverdquo says Namrata Dixit a security awareness and culture manager from Pune ldquoMy boss responded saying lsquoTake all the time you needrsquo Many places I have worked in are very understanding of an employee taking the day off at work because of a vet visit or animal rescue situation You can see that the culture is improving increasingly more restaurants and community places are allowing you to bring your pets along They recognise that the pet is a family memberrdquoBhanj Deorsquos observation is that many of us donrsquot have a vocabulary to address death be it of a human or an animal ldquoWhen my father passed awayrdquo says the Parsik Hill resident ldquomany people did not know what to say to me or how to talk to me A lot of people donrsquot have the words to show support for a loss They mostly think of talking about other things to distract you from the griefrdquoShrotriya agreesThough Kaya was wellloved among her patients Sahai would not mention her illness cancer when rescheduling client appointments to take Kaya to the vet ldquoI didnrsquot think they would understand so I would say a family member is terminally illrdquo she says In the same vein people may not understand why you are refusing social invitations or not in the mood to celebrate festivalsWhen her pet of 17 years Simba the Indian Spitz passed away in Bhanj Deorsquos hometown of Jaipur those who knew what he meant to her called or messaged or videocalled her to commiserate But this was for a day not a prolonged support ldquoEspecially since I was away from home friends in Mumbai would come over talk about Simba and then the conversation would take another turnrdquo she says ldquoMy husband Vikram held space for me to flip out cry He let me berdquo Sometimes one is not even aware they are grieving the loss of a pet ldquoA client came for counselling because she had lost a family member to COVID19rdquo says Sahai ldquoAs we were speaking she told me about her cat who had also deceased around the same time She hadnrsquot been able to grieve for her and it was festeringrdquo The space to express grief over the death of a feline companion is even smaller because society sees cats as selfish cold and unloving But any cat parent will tell you they merely have a different way of expressing their love And when they bestow it itrsquos a rare honourldquoYou associate death with illness and old agerdquo says Sen ldquoso when a young puppy dies it pulls the ground from under your feet When a puppy I was training was diagnosed with the lethal parvovirus I immediately did the math for his odds of survival When I received his body wrapped up as a package and then opened it at the crematorium it changed me I did not know I could feel so much for a pup who was not mine and whom I had only met for a few weeksrdquoUnexpressed grief festers into anger outbursts inability to focus detachment and sadness In cases of sudden death or euthanasia there is extreme guilt and self blame as your wonder if there was anything more you could have done to save the pet It affects selfvalue and future relationships and guilt holds you back from moving onThis need for space propelled Sen to form a support group with Pretto ldquoWhen you have a bond with your pet the joy is strong and so is the grief Many people lose their present worrying about how much time they have left with their companion Others donrsquot want to get another pet to avoid revisiting that lossrdquoPretto hasnrsquot had one since 1988 when a Sydney Silky terrier puppy she had for merely two weeks passed away of an infection ldquoFor the longest time I was angry with the person that I got the puppy fromrdquo she says ldquoIt also made me possessive in my relationships trying to control my loved ones as much as I could to secure them from harm It was only when I was preparing for the first seminar on pet grief that I realised the anger came out of unrecognised griefrdquoThis is where rituals and symbols help ldquoRituals help you centre your grief on something They give you time and space to think only about your dogrdquo says Sahai ldquoIt gives you closure a timeline slow reintegration back not life and a path to continue your relationship with the pet We held a memorial ceremony for Kaya where all the people whose lives she had touched and her friends came and told stories about herrdquo Bhanj Deorsquos brother shaved off his head on Simbarsquos death like he would for anyone from the family Many donrsquot observe festivals for a full yearLike any other kind of sadness this one too has to go through the stages of grieving Numbness denial bargaining anger depression and finally acceptance Being able to continue the bond with the deceased in another form is important last step in the grieving process ldquoI have picture of Kaya in my clinicrdquo says Sahai ldquowhich I garland with fresh flowers every day as I would a family memberrsquos I look to her at times as I would when she was here asking lsquoCrsquomon tell me what to dordquoTo sum it up never say to a grieving person ldquoShersquos in a better place nowrdquo In Senrsquos words ldquoHow the f do you knowrdquo Because any pet parent will tell you hisher best place was in their life and yours in theirsHow to help a friend deal with griefShrinkhla Sahai Cultural PsychologistldquoThe best way you can help a friend dealing with such a loss is hold space for them to talk about their pet Help ritualise it in the way befitting their belief system Take care of the logistics Drive them to the crematoriumcemetery handle the paperwork send over food drop in to make weekly checks or organise a condolence meetmdasheverything we do socially and culturally for a human being will workrdquoHow to process griefSharon DrsquoSouza Pretto Emotional Intelligence FacilitatorldquoIf yoursquove lost an animal companion and are going through some intense feelings name the emotion to tame the emotion Each emotion has an entire range so recognise it as lsquosadnessrsquo but not lsquodepressionrsquo lsquoangerrsquo but not lsquofuryrsquo Thatrsquos the first step Then write your pet a note It may seem trivial but tell her of all the ways in which you have grown because of her your best memories what you have learnt from her Celebrate her life after yoursquove mourned her deathrdquo