I’m considering having an affair

I am a 45-year old married woman and have been considering an affair with a friend from work for some time now. The reasons for this are complicated but the real issue is my marriage which is unsatisfying and has been for many years. We have been together for over a decade but there is no real companionship or love. We just spend some time together on weekends, don’t chat much, and live separate lives. We have no children and have never planned to. The arrangement suits us because we are successful financially and like to hold our bank accounts together for economic reasons. I don’t think my husband would even care if he found out about my affair. Should I go ahead with it? We are all adults and no one will get hurt, so I don’t know why I shouldn’t.
The idea of an extramarital affair solving anything is naïve because it is the equivalent of brushing larger issues under the carpet. Your husband may be fine with this, your marriage may be over, and you may have great reasons to stay together but there is still a third person you are considering bringing in. Let’s put aside the moral or legal issues surrounding adultery because that is for a lawyer to comment upon, and let’s look solely at what you hope to get from this affair. Is it love, acceptance, attention, or something else? If these things are missing from your marriage, it may make more sense to first acknowledge this openly and have that conversation with your husband. Maybe a separation may work for you both, while allowing you to maintain your economic status quo. Either way, this is something that ought to be discussed. If there are only adults involved, as you point out, there should be no problem airing out your resentment and coming up with a more open plan about what you should do next. Secrets may be exciting but can also take an emotional toll.

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