I see the world more clearly now, with eyes anew. No I didn’t accidentally trip and fall into a vat of Art of Living, and no I have not joined Oprah’s book club. Yet. I just got glasses for the first time in my life. The other day I was in a car with a friend and he pointed out a funny name on a truck. Except all I saw was a big fat blur, so I just assumed it was footage of Michelle Obama’s visit to The School For Girls In Saudi Arabia. Ah also, by the other day I mean two years ago.
I only realised this week that I’ve been watching 720p videos in 480p and 480p videos in 1p. It’s amazing. I no longer have a slightly confused squint and a headache after a TV show (unless I’ve been watching Times Now). These glasses are the best gadget I’ve ever owned. They’re only expensive if I think of them as glasses. They’re cheap as hell for an HDTV. representation Pic/Thinkstock
I got a prescription from an ophthalmologist and went to a store where a salesman did that thing where you just want an apple but they convince you that you need the best, most expensive, most technologically advanced designer apple from Italy, and so you leave the store with four apples, an iPhone and a flat in South Bombay. I’m not saying my glasses cost too much, but kids, just shut up and eat those f****ng carrots. On the flip side, my glasses are the best glasses in the world. They’re Crizal lenses, which I know are great because the name has a z in it. They have ARC, are photocromatic, are scratch proof, and can withstand so much pressure that they can publish a story about Gautam Adani. But even if they couldn’t do all that, it wouldn’t matter because oh my god, I can see again.
I’ve been missing so much. For example, I only realised this week that I’ve been watching 720p videos in 480p and 480p videos in 1p. It’s amazing. I no longer have a slightly confused squint and a headache after a TV show (unless I’ve been watching Times Now). It’s incredible. I no longer rub my eyes until I look like an Oberyn Martell Halloween costume. And this has happened at an age where I’m secure enough to endure chants of “dhaapnya” and “battery” from my friends. I have an iPhone I love dearly, a Kindle I adore and a washing machine that makes my life smell of fabric softener, and yet these glasses are the best gadget I’ve ever owned. They’re only expensive if I think of them as glasses. They’re cheap as hell for an HDTV.
I also love them because I can now do ordinary things more dramatically. I can polish the lenses as I ask people simple questions like “where were you?”, so they take on an unnecessarily hostile tone. I can chew on the stem as I look past you and dream about ice-cream and you’d still think I’m contemplating The Complete Works of Amartya Sen (Unabridged). And I can take them off and close my eyes as if I’m resting them while taking a quick nap. I can give TED talks.
I can take them off when I spot a cute girl across the room so she knows I’m marking her as mine, I can peer at people over them to appear crusty yet avuncular, I can push them up onto my face so you can see the reflection of a nuclear cloud in them in a sad movie. In a happy one, I can cheer with one lens taped up as the Avengers reclaim the Earth from the aliens. The possibilities are endless. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some ice-cream to think about.
Rohan Joshi is a writer and stand-up comedian who likes reading, films and people who do not use the SMS lingo. You can also contact him on www.facebook.com/therohanjoshi
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