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And the award goes to...

Now that the season of awards is upon us, Shubha Shetty-Saha gives a few away to loyalists, tongue firmly in cheek

The conspicuous absentee award



This elite bunch, with names like Aamir Khan, Salman Khan and Ajay Devgn has made it abundantly clear time and again that they shun award ceremonies because they simply don't believe in their credibility. The guys at the awards return the favour and most of the time make sure that their films don't get the award. Even when they do, Salman's obliging bhais and Ajay's biwi Kajol collect awards on their behalf. Aamir earlier stubbornly wouldn't even provide the clippings of his films even if they are nominated, for these ceremonies,  but now he's said to have relaxed the rules a bit.

The top Awardee award



They seldom get awards, they are seldom seen in movies, but somehow they manage to get the honour of giving away awards to the winners. And they come in strange, assorted combinations, too. Juhi Chawla might get a Subhash Ghai or, if she's luckier, a Yash Chopra; Sridevi has husband Boney Kapoor to hang on to; Poonam Dhillon always gets good friend Padmini Kolhapure; Gulshan Grover with a PYT for company � the nominations for this one are endless. Some contenders deserve special mention, only because they come alive only during the award season, following which, they promptly go back into hibernation.

Ready-for-an-impromptu-gig celeb award



The ritual goes thus. The celeb attends the event 'innocently' as a guest, sits through the ceremony, with no inkling that they will be invited on the stage, and then surprise, they are invited on the stage. They reluctantly climb up and at the "spur of the moment" do what suspiciously seems like a carefully rehearsed gig. Rekha in all her Kanjeevaram and gold jewellery award special attire doing a 'Big B' kind of step,  gets the top nomination for this one.

How to make fun of your colleagues award



The earlier format of award shows would have a fairly witty actor teamed up with a hot, ready-to-flaunt-cleavage actress. While the actor would utter all the hot lines, the actress would make proper sounds in between, while looking hotter. In recent years, this combination has been ousted. Blame the likes of Karan Johar, Shah Rukh Khan and Saif Ali Khan. These guys brought truly funny back to hosting with crackling scripts and sharp lines, with some acts thrown in, mostly making fun of themselves and their colleagues. Soon after, Ranbir Kapoor and Imran Khan joined the ilk. However, there seems to be a serious danger of these acts getting repetitive, if not soon injected with a fresh dose of humour.

Paisa pheko tamasha dekho award



The actress with the jhakaas item number is sure to rake in the most amount of moolah during the award season. Last year Katrina shared the bounty with Malaika Arora as her Sheela Ki Jawani competed neck to neck with Malaika's rustic Munni. This time Kat's Chikni Chameli is getting tough competition from the bosom heaving Ooh la la by the unlikeliest candidate, Vidya Balan.

 The alert cameraperson award



No award ceremony is complete without an on-the-ball cameraperson, who is a master at the art of knowing when to focus on which celebrity. These camerapersons are sometimes predictable but always bang on. When a certain celebrity is awarded or performing, it is the said cameraperson's utmost duty to search, cut to and focus on the bewildered/amused/delighted/sad expressions of another celebrity, who is reported seeing or fighting with the celeb on stage. Even if you don't remember the gossip, these cameramen make sure you rack your brain to do so.

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