Guru Tamasoma was in a foul mood. India will never succeed because government is completely confused about its priorities, he told Mantriji. No wonder we are the laughing stock of whole world. Government is only claiming we will create Hindu Rashtra and prevent sanskritik pradushan (cultural pollution, for you useless Indians who don't know our own culture), but actually it is running after false ideals of Tejomay Bharat (Shining India for you useless…). Head of government is never in Holy Hindu Rashtra, but always in polluting foreign countries, begging for foreign investment to prop up Holy Hindu Rashtra. As long as we have Go Mata — holy cows — we don’t need any foreign props. We will never allow this shameless prostitution of the Hindu Rashtra and Hindutva adarsh.
Imagine, Guru Tamasoma roared, government is even allowing language pollution and study of German as foreign language, just because it has signed 18 agreements through German Chancellor Angela Merkel, including a clean energy deal worth 2 billion euros. Government has also signed 24 polluting agreements worth over 10 billion dollars through Chinese prime minister Li Keqiang. Now, it will allow impure Chinese language to be studied in India. Government has also signed US trade and investment deals worth $4 billion through American President Barack Obama. Now, they will raise bogeys like human rights, secularism and justice. Every day, government is polluting Holy Hindu Rashtra by signing impure foreign deals in trade, investment, education, energy, environment, space and defence. Henceforth, all government officials who have travelled abroad must have daily bath with gomutra to cleanse themselves of Western impurities, and participate in holy havan for 14 days, so that this agni pariksha will reduce all foreign influences to bhasma.
Imagine state of Holy Hindu Rashtra is so shameful, that just because a few so-called Indians eating beef - our holy Go Mata - were killed by accident, so much noise is being made by media. Surely, holy cows are more valuable than so-called Indians who don’t even know our own sanskriti? Serious steps will have to be taken at once to prevent further deterioration of Bharatiya sanskriti. All the current government ministries are impure Western ideas and priorities — ministry of commerce and industry, science and technology, information and broadcasting, culture, civil aviation, defence, social justice and empowerment, etc. All these ministries will be disbanded forthwith, and we will have a national “Desh Wapsi” programme, with reconversion of ministries according to Hindu Vedic adarsh, as follows: Ministry of Ghar Wapsi and Reconversions (Pravin Togadia), Ministry of Love Jihad (Sadhvi Prachi), Ministry of Accidents (Mahesh Sharma), Ministry of Lynching (Sakshi Maharaj), Ministry of Ramzaade versus Haramzaaade (Sadhvi Niranjan Jyoti), Ministry of Sanskritik Pradushan (Smriti Irani), Ministry of Beef Ban (Raghubar Das), Ministry of Vedic Wisdom and Hindu Values (Asaram Bapu), Ministry of Statues (Sadhvi Pragya Singh Thakur; only statues of Ram will be allowed, and only if taller than Statue of Liberty, we will not tolerate R2,000 crore being spent on local leaders in Arabian Sea), Ministry of Revised History and Vedic Astrology (Dinanath Batra), Ministry of Goshalas, Gomutra, Gomaya Kanda (Cowdung Cakes) and Shudh Desi Ghee, Ministry of Vimanas, Raths and Bailgadis, and Ministry of Defence-Manufactured Patanjali Ayurveda — all headed by Baba Ramdev. Ministry of Strategic Foreign Alliances (with Like-Minded Islamic State, Taliban and Boko Haram, our BFFs who, like Holy Hindu Rashtra, also believe that all foreign and Western culture is polluting and must be destroyed) and Ministry of Foreign Travel (Holy Hindus devoted to constantly travelling to foreign countries in order to better learn various kinds of Western pollution that Hindus should avoid) — these ministries remain currently headless because of violent in-fighting as to who should head them, but the winners will be announced shortly.
And yes, Guru Tamasoma told Mantriji, this media is getting out of hand, reporting silly things like farmers’ suicides, malnutrition, appalling lack of drinking water and sanitation, illiteracy and deforestation. Henceforth, ministry of information and broadcasting should be renamed Ministry of One India, One Opinion. And, if this is not implemented by dawn, you will be beheaded IS-style and video of your headless body uploaded on Facebook. Achcha, Facebook is foreign, no? Don’t worry, we will put it up on ancient Vedic global communication platform called Mukha Pustaka.
Meenakshi Shedde is South Asia Consultant to the Berlin Film Festival, award-winning critic, curator to festivals worldwide and journalist. Reach her at email@example.com. The views expressed in these columns are the individual’s and don’t represent those of the paper.