How the udder half lives

Rahul dac Cunha  So ‘they’ve’ banned cow slaughter in Maharashtra. It’s all a bit strange to me. The Prezzie signing off on an archaic bill, though apparently the law was passed 40 years ago. So what happened in the interim years?

Plus the hypocrisy — in spite of being divine creatures, domestic cows are injected with illegal drugs that boost milk yield but shorten life expectancy. But hey, I’m not a scientist or an activist — I’m just an amused observer of the government.

And, here’s one more law which is nothing but annoying to the common man. Like, when my favourite Chinese eatery tells me “Sorry boss, we cannot serve you Hakka Beef”, I’m pissed off.


Illustration / Amit Bandre

It’s amazing how rapidly our ‘government’ canpass laws when they want to. If only they were so quick for motions relating to the repairing of roads and the hanging of rapists.

But back to the subject at hand, which is the beef ban.

The point is, there’s one song playing on every radio station and music channel on TV — it’s called, “Jhoot bole cow na kaate”. Also, while the bovine community celebrates, pigs all over the state oink with optimism. “I hope they pass the same law for us. We’re safe for now with all this swine flu nonsense, but who knows how long our luck will last,” said one porker who didn’t wish to be quoted.

There’s panic in the beach shacks of Palolim, as the owners in a fit of Feni frenzy have collectively wailed, “What if this beef ban comes to Goa. After all, we are also gradually becoming a Hindu state.”

Back in Mumbai, a star by the name of Salman Khan was heard saying, “When they say they are banning beef, are they referring to me?”

But obviously, the most affected people are from the food industry. The moment this ‘gai’ slaughter ordinance was passed, numerous catering and canteen organisations, restaurants and F&B groups have gone up in arms. Many of them wrote to me, saying that they want my help, in overturning this ridiculous law.

Here are some of the objecting groups — the BJP, the BMC, the CBS, the BCCI, the BBC, the VHP and the RSS.

For those of you who are unaware, let me spell out these abbreviations. Meet the leading meat caterers of Maharashtra, who will join me in a dharna outside CM Fadnavis’ office tomorrow.

The BJP — a Parsi take-away service — stands for ‘Beef for Jiyo Parsis’. The BMC stands for ‘Beef Madras Cafes’. The BCCI isn’t a cricket committee — it’s ‘The Beef Cutlet & Chops of India’.

The VHP or Vindaloo Hai Phantastic is a food chain, specialising in Malvani and Maharashtrian delicacies. Its outlets are peppered all over the Konkan coast.

The RSS or Roast Sirloin Society, much like the Single Malt Club, is a society made up of connoisseurs of steak. And finally, the Chilly Beef Sangh, or CBS.

I get a phone call from a Yogendra Yadav. “Hello, I’d like to join you in your dharna. I’m from AAP — that’s ‘Anytime Anywhere Pork’.”

Rahul da Cunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer and traveller. Reach him at rahuldacunha62 @gmail.com

The views expressed in this column are the individual’s and don’t represent those of the paper.

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