Guru Tamasoma wanted me to be tip-top up-to-date on his organisation’s latest successes, and proudly escorted me to the Anti-Love Jihad Front (ALJF) helpline office in Pyarhuaganj.
The walls were plastered with the Anti-Love Jihad Front (ALJF) helpline poster, that said in Hindi: “Awaken, Hindus, be alert about Love Jihad. Muslim boys are taking Hindu names, wearing a red thread on their wrists and a tilak, and netting Hindu girls in the trap of love. They convert the girls, marry them and produce children, abuse them and abandon them…Be alert about guarding your religion, your daughters and sisters. If you see anything like this, please call our helpline.”
A child looks on as Indian United Hindu Front activists participate in a protest against the alleged Love Jihad movement in New Delhi on September 23, 2014. Pic/AFP
Hello! Anti-Love Jihad Front helpline speaking. Which son-of-a-gun is bothering you? Fear not, sishter, I’ll send the Ram Sene right now to save you. Your brother here is born for that reason only.
It’s my husband. I checked him with your checklist. He has a Hindu name, wears a red thread on his wrist, a tilak, made me fall in his trap of love, he has married me and we have produced children. So definitely he is of a certain community.
Don’t worry, sishter! Just give address. I am sending ambulance or hearse, whichever will come faster. But what is ejjat, latesht complaint, sishter?
Yes, please likho. My husband refuses to abandon me only. He has got used to me. He can’t live without my aloo gobi. Sex four times day and night he wants. Chunoo-Munoo I am looking after alone, no job he has, whole day he is seeing TV only. I am sick of him, I want nice young man who will take me out to hotel and filim. Vedic scriptures will advise how to make him abandon me and save devoted Hindu wife, no? What if he really turns out to be my religion? I will slit my wrists, and you please send hearse, not ambulance. I cannot leave this world in wrong car.
Don’t panic, sishter! I will discuss your case with my senior pracharak and ask what advice Vedic scriptures are giving in this confujing matter. Please call tomorrow.
Hello! Anti-Love Jihad Front helpline speaking. Yes, sir, what is problem?
I am needing urgent advice. You are helping Hindus protect our religion, no? So ejjatly what is Dharmendra technique, please you explain. See, I am Hindu, having wife and four childrens. I am in love with one ladies, and she is loving me back also. I can become certain community with short time limit just for marriage, no? Just one day?
No problem! But Hindus not allowed full day, sir. At sunrise and sunset if you are Hindu, you are Hindu forever. In between you only need five minutes to say qabool hai three times. But after your marriage sir, you both please have full head bath with go-mutra, cow urine, then again fully pavitra Hindu you both will become. Also, sprinkle go-mutra in compound of Biwi No 1 and Biwi No 2. That way, no discrimination in smell, so both will be happy also.
You have saved my life! Luckily, Anti-Love Jihad Front is only against ladies’ conversion, not gents’ conversion. I hear Vedic scriptures say, that devout Hindu men, who have go-mutra bath after conversion for second wife, are blessed with 100 sons. So there is also Hindu Housing Complex for Converted Hindus with 100 sons, no? You will ask senior pracharak? OK, I will call tomorrow.
Hello! Anti-Love Jihad Front helpline speaking. What happened, sishter?
My cousin brothers gang-raped me and my two sisters. They tried to hang us all from the mango tree by the river. My two sisters died, but I escaped. We and our cousins are all Hindu. Yet, my family and entire village has closed its doors to me. The police won’t register my complaint. But a sweet boy of a certain community, whom I have known since college, is willing to marry me, love and cherish me for life. Can you help us get married?
We will arrest him immediately. Don’t worry, sishter! Guruji will make that son of a gun who raped you, to marry you also. You won’t marry him? Achcha, I will ask senior pracharak what Vedic scriptures are advising in this confujing matter. You please call tomorrow.
Meenakshi Shedde is India Consultant to the Berlin Film Festival, an award-winning critic, curator to festivals worldwide, and journalist. She can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.
The views expressed in this column are the individual’s and don’t represent those of the paper.